Mateus is Mr Wonderful
by Negetive2digit
Summary: What happens late at night when I'm playing Dissidia and listening to music? We get to see some humorous and serious insight into the lives of the Dissidia Gang. Base Saga complete! New chapter in Puppeteer's Wheel Saga up!
1. Chapter 1

**Mateus is Mr. Wonderful**

I was playing The Emperor vs Cloud of Darkness and happened to be listening to Mr. Wonderful from DDR on the Youtube. This is a result of those coincidences. Humor. Mild character bashing. Made up as I go. May be OOC. I own nothing!

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**Chapter 1**

Emperor Mateus of Palamecia was sitting idly in midair in his room in the makeshift HQ of the Chaos gang, which just so happened to be the Chaos Shrine. He gazed in an unfocused fashion at his scepter/staff or whatever it was as he levitated it absently with his hand.

_What are those other pawns up to?_ he pondered to himself. _Oh, well. Not that I care…_ The others were almost always off doing…whatever it was that they did in their free time and the puppetmaster was there holding down the fort, as usual, so to speak. Feeling the dullness of the day closing in on him, he gave a hand gesture towards his old, faithful jukebox in the corner of his room. It started up immediately but not with the music he'd painstakingly set it to.

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful, oh you're so incredible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful, wonderful to me**

His eye gave a twitch and he almost dropped his staff/scepter/thing as he glared over at the machine. As if its tracks had run amok on their own. He hovered to his feet and walked over to the thing to examine its playlist.

"Who the bloody hell tampered with my absolute playlist?" he muttered.

Suddenly, his door opened and Cloud of Darkness hovered in, her usual sneer in place. If Mateus didn't know better, he'd say that her face was stuck that way, surely as Sephiroth's face was stuck with its small smile that made him look far from intimidating. The Emperor looked over at CoD, hiding his current disdain with his music device. "Yes, Cloud of Darkness? Has something gone awry?"

"No, not that I know of," she replied in that eerie voice that made many people (Terra and Onion Knight in particular) shudder or (in the case of Terra and Onion Knight) wet themselves (figuratively, usually). "I merely heard that song," she pointed at the jukebox. "and it reminded me of you,"

"Oh?" one of his perfect eyebrows rose at this statement that he didn't expect to hear. "Are you saying that I am…" he listened to a couple more bars.

**Hold me**

**I want to feel your arms around me**

**Kiss me**

**Only you can make me happy**

He shuddered. "This…Mr. Wonderful?"

"Well," CoD shrugged nonchalantly. "That's what some of the others have said, though with sarcasm, mostly,"

"Hmph," Mateus turned away, his long sideburns slapping the infernal device that wouldn't quit playing that new-fangled techno music.

**Oh, Mr. Wonderful**

**Are you for real?**

**It's not impossible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Oh, you're so incredible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Wonderful to me**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Oh, you're irresistible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**A miracle to me**

"Are you aware who put this on my playlist?" The Emperor asked with a forced calm as he tore his eyes and ears from the song. CoD shook her head.

"It could have been anyone…" she replied.

"I see…" Mateus's eye twitched as he finally turned the jukebox off. "I need a walk…" He stepped towards the door. "Care to come along?"

They set off down the hall, passing by Ultimecia's bedroom, where they could hear her shouting her crazy plans through the door.

"I'm so miserable with no friends! Maybe I'll be happy when only I exist! Mwa, ha, ha!" she cackled, making even The Emperor fight the urge to shudder.

"And I thought that she was bonding with Kuja," CoD said with a shrug, taking as close a stab at a joke as she physically could.

"No, she was giving him a taste of Hell," Mateus replied, sarcasm concealed too well but still present.

"Oh. Perhaps I should have listened more closely," she replied. They both had to laugh at the sheer stupidity of the concept of Kuja being friends with anyone (poor Kuja!).

"He's not fit to befriend anyone!" Mateus stated, stopping when he saw a vending machine that was from who-knows-where. Strange, but he didn't recall the shrine having a vending machine; that wasn't going to stop him from getting a nutty caramel bar. He fished around in his pockets for a while, then realized his outfit had no pockets. "This is barely amusing…" he grumbled, staring through the machine's window at the candy bar he so wanted to buy. So what if he was on a diet and so what if an emperor needed to watch his weight.

"Where did this come from?" CoD finally asked. "And why does it expect us to spend gil on food?" She shot a weak laser at the glass and shattered it.

_Why didn't I think of that? _Mateus mused. _Oh, well. _"I aught extend thanks your way," he said, taking several candy bars from the machine while CoD did the same.

"It was merely one step closer to the Void," she replied.

_I suppose that is her way of accepting my thanks._ he thought with a shrug as he practically inhaled two candy bars at once.

Continuing their walk, now full of sugar, the Emperor remembered why he had started the walk at the outset.

"Why would anyone call me…Mr. Wonderful?" he asked with scorn on the last two words. CoD didn't answer right away. She seemed to be thinking.

"Well…" she looked quite determinedly at the ingredients list on her current candy bar's wrapper. "You're always taking care of the castle, making sure nothing goes awry, and, you're, well, powerful and handsome. You even take care of us when we're down, in your own way," Mateus had to turn his head away to examine some cracks in the wall to hide the slight blush appearing on his normally pale face.

"Does not Golbez do these things as well?" he replied, attempting to sound nonchalant and succeeding due to years of practice at sounding prose and arrogant.

"Yes…I suppose, but…" she didn't finish and teleported out without any warning.

_So everyone admires me…? _he pondered as he headed back to his room, ransacking the vending machine a second time on the way by. _I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, my reign is absolute. But…_ he sat back down on the floor and turned the jukebox back on, listening thoughtfully.

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful **

**Oh you're so incredible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful **

**Wonderful to me**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful, **

**Oh you're irresistible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**A miracle to me**

**Hold me**

**I want to feel your arms around me**

**Kiss me**

**Only you can make me happy**

**Oh, Mr. Wonderful**

**Are you for real?**

**It's not impossible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Oh, you're so incredible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Wonderful to me**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Oh, you're irresistible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**A miracle to me**

**Touch me**

**It feels like heaven, I'm so lucky**

**Love me**

**Only you can make me happy**

**Oh, Mr. Wonderful**

**Are you for real?**

**It's not impossible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Oh, you're so incredible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Wonderful to me**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**Oh, you're irresistible**

**Hey, Mr. Wonderful**

**A miracle to me**

**A miracle to me**

**A miracle to me**

**A miracle to me**

**A miracle to me**

**A miracle to me**

_Wait a minute…I believe I know who put this in my playlist… _The Emperor rose up and grabbed his staff/scepter/thing, but, as the rest of the song played out, he found his temper rapidly cooling._ Oh, dear, what a mess… _He made a mental note to invite CoD along next time he went out to taunt Firion and make fun of his stupid dream. Furthermore, he had begun to develop an acceptance of the new-fangled techno music.

"IMBECILES!" Garland's voice suddenly shook the entire shrine. "WHO BROKE THE NEW VENDING MACHINE?! I'LL TWIST THEM INTO A KNOT!"

"His mind's gone bad," Mateus quickly teleported off to take himself up on that taunting date with CoD while everyone else vacated the premises for whatever trumped up reason they could think of. Everyone, that is, except the super-macho, and not-always-the-sharpest-sword-in-the-Fenrir ex-blitzer, Jecht.

"What the hell's all this racket about?!" he shouted, coming out of his bedroom with a bad hangover and more scruffy-looking than usual.

"MY NEW 50,000 GIL VENDING MACHINE IS RUINED!" Garland roared, smashing down a wall with his giant spear/sword/katana/thing.

"So? It still holds stuff!" Jecht replied.

Needless to say, the mess took the next week to clean up and Chaos gave everyone severely reduced pay to compensate for the damages.

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Okay, so the plot deviated a little in the face of random humor. Well, anyway, review and hope someone got a laugh out of this little glimpse into the lives of the Dissidia Gang.


	2. Chapter 2

**This actually started not long after the last chapter, so I'm still in a vein of funny. Still own nothing. Character bashing continues for humor's sake. Hope this is up to scratch.**

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****Chapter 2**

Jecht was on crutches for the next fortnight, forcing him to lie on the couch and have Golbez cook for him and give him sponge baths.

"This is degrading…" Jecht grumbled as Golbez spoon-fed him, still wearing his flowery apron he always cooked in.

"As long as you're injured, this too is destiny," the ebony-armored neutral guy replied.

Meanwhile, in Chaos's office, aka the Edge of Chaos.

"What have I told you about letting your rage get the better of you outside of battle?" the slow-voiced God of Discord scolded slowly while he continued never going to a dentist.

"But they wrecked the vending machine!" Garland objected. "I put my own money into that!"

"KNOW DESPAIR!" Chaos shouted randomly. "And be gone." he added, pointing to the "exit", for lack of a better word. Grumbling, Garland trudged out as quietly as a guy in a full plate could, which, as it turned out, wasn't very.

Kefka was bouncing moodily down the hall, heading to the kitchen for his usual breakfast of highly sweetened coffee and 99% sugar cereal when he crashed into Kuja of all people.

"Watch where you're going, you untalented buffoon!" the monkey-mage snapped in his typical, haughty manner.

"I'm not in the mood!" the crooked clown retorted hotly. It was never wise to bother him before he could get back on his sugar high.

"Talk to the hand!" Kuja replied in an arrogant fashion, holding up his hand in Kefka's face for emphasis. Enraged, Kefka bit the pale flesh of the smooth, well-lotioned hands, causing the mage to scream and jump backwards. "You horrid little brat!" he shouted, firing several balls in Kefka's general direction. FOOMP! A katana suddenly appeared in front of the clown and blocked the attack.

"Can we not be destroying the building more _already_?" Sephiroth said, coming into view about a minute later, by which time his sword had speared most of the stuff in the kitchen. "Uh, oh…"

"Does your stupidity know no end?" Gabranth asked in his snotty british way as he approached to assess the damage.

"You ignorant…" Sephiroth grumbled, dematerializing his blade and leaving a hole through most of the kitchen appliances. Just then, Golbez decided to show up. Upon seeing the mess, he felt faint.

"Guide my inner shadow…" and, with that, he fell to the floor with a loud clunk that shook the entire building, causing Exdeath to slip and fall in the shower. Of course, that raises the question of how a suit of armor is showering in the first place, but I digress…

Mateus and CoD just happened to show up at this point. The former took one glance around and said what everyone expected him to say, for he said it every morning, it seemed.

"Something go awry?"

Meanwhile, at Cosmos HQ, aka the random castle that had been built in Order's Sanctuary…

"That is precisely my mission," Warrior of Light said grimly, attempting to get just the right amount of browning on his toast.

"Look, WoL, it's not that important," Firion attempted to explain, to no avail.

"He doesn't think much, does he?" Onion Knight commented to Squall, who was sullenly munching a hot dog.

"Whatever," the SeeD replied without averting his gaze from the table, which he was slouched over.

"Burn," Cloud commented, earning a glare from OK.

"Can we please not fight?" Terra asked, seeing the EX Gauges starting to fill already at 9 in the morning.

"Fight…just like my old man…" Tidus muttered, switching on his CD player and listening to the saddest songs of Final Fantasy while emoing.

"You need to lighten up," Zidane commented, looking worried.

"Yeah! Every day is a new adventure!" Bartz commented, dressed as homo as he was every day. If it weren't for his face, maybe he could get away with it…

_No, I mustn't think like that._ WoL thought as he sat down with his unsatisfactory toast that was a shade too light for him. _All I must do is be a little too nice to Cosmos, get my crystal, and kick some Chaos booty._

"Ahh! Good morning, everyone!" Cecil said cheerily, walking in fresh from the shower.

"Look who's up late!" Firion said jokingly.

"I didn't sleep well last night," Cloud interjected unbidden.

"You never do," OK replied in a snooty fashion.

"Why you…" Cloud began to slowly, seriously, and determinedly reach across the table, fully intending to slowly, seriously, and determinedly strangle the pre-teen and dispose of his corpse in a slow, serious, and determined manner with a few slow, serious, and determined pulses of the garbage disposal. Fortunately, WoL chose this moment to get up and make a loud announcement.

"That settles it! We're having a big party to make the Chaos gang jealous!" everyone gave him an odd look, as no one had been saying anything to him, thus making this comment unbidden.

After a few good Flare spells to the face, Golbez was actually more comatose than ever.

"I _told_ you it wouldn't work…" Sephiroth muttered grumpily from the wall he was leaning on in his I-don't-care-about-crap fashion.

"Well, t'wasn't my design," Mateus grumbled as a bruised Exdeath (don't ask me how) and a fiercely complaining Kuja chucked the iron man on another couch, crushing it.

"I'm not telling Garland about that," Kefka noted. The others agreed quickly.

"Tell Garland what?!" Garland asked sternly, walking into the kitchen from the other door.

"How much we love Garland!" Ultimecia interjected randomly, giving the walking full plate a hug. Everyone stared in a WTH way and Ultimecia did let go quickly and Garland did take a step back and look awkwardly at her (though the armor makes it hard to tell).

"Okay, then…" he turned around. "I'm going to go for a walk, and, when I come back, I want breakfast to be ready and everyone to be talking about something else," With that, he ran off.

"Nice save, Ulti," Jecht said with his whiskey voice, limping in on his crutches. "Can I eat at the "big boy's table" today, since girly-armor-man is down for the count?"

"Certainly," Mateus replied. "But who will cook breakfast now?"

"Me! Me!" Kefka jumped up and down.

"No!" Kuja objected. "You'll destroy everything, untalented jester!"

"I'm not in the mood!" the clown retorted mechanically.

"I'll cook! Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath volunteered.

"Hell, no!" everyone shouted.

"Point taken," Exdeath muttered, sitting down dejectedly on his super-reinforced chair at the super-reinforced table.

"Well, then. That just leaves Mr. Wonderful," Ultimecia commented. The other men broke out snickering while Mateus, his pale cheeks fighting a slight blush, gave them all a glare.

"Yes, that is a good idea," CoD agreed.

"This is barely amusing…" The Emperor muttered unhappily as Garland, who had returned, who was still laughing, handed him one of Golbez's flowery aprons. _Wearing this would be less of an adequate diversion, bordering on absolutely humiliating._ He glanced down at his shiny outfit. _But I'll have to polish my armor again if-_ His thoughts were interrupted by Kefka eating a bowl of cereal and bouncing around the room shouting about how he was cuckoo for it.

15 minutes later…

"Make sure the eggs are sunny side up," Jecht reminded him.

"And the toast can't get too brown or it'll burn," Garland added.

"Don't scorch my crepes!" Kuja whined.

"Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath added.

"Silence, pitiful insects!" Mateus snapped as he attempted to cook 9 breakfasts at once.

20 minutes later…

"The delivery guy is here," CoD called as she paid him and took the food to the dining room.

"Good," Golbez said as he finished cleaning up the mess and dressing the burns on Mateus, Jecht, and Ultimecia.

"I now have learned my limits," Mateus said quietly, in a slightly pained fashion, to Golbez. "Alas, we are not equals in the fields of cooking and housekeeping," Golbez put a hand on his shoulder.

"The faint-hearted have no place in the kitchen here," he consoled, passing out the sausage and egg biscuits to the others as they showed up in their own ways.

"By the way," Garland commented as he sat down in a super-reinforced chair. "I overheard Zidane and Bartz talking about a Cosmos Gang party whilst they frolicked through the flowers.

"Can't get any gayer than that…" Jecht commented with his mouth full, making the others avert their gaze and resist retching.

"That settles it," Kuja floated up into the air in self-important excitement. "We'll go crash that party and I'll beat the crap out of that monkey, Zidane! Just allow me to go fetch my script and we'll go over the melody and finalé!"

"Not a chance, Kuja," everyone said in unison. Kuja flew off to his room to pout.

"Incidentally," Mateus interjected after a moment. "Why were _you _in the field of flowers in the Rift?"

"Oh, look at the time! Gotta go pick on WoL some more!" Garland proclaimed, making an exit, albeit an exceedingly noisy one, stage right. Mateus chuckled.

"That was quite the performance,"

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**Funny stuff. Remember to review and may the light shine forever upon that light-obsessed knight that obviously has a thing for Cosmos.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yet another chapter in this crazy series of days in the life of Dissidia people. Still own nothing. Hope this is funny.

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**Chapter 3**

"Oh, yes! The party is to be planned by brute force!" Shantotto pointed dramatically.

"Yes, now go talk to a wall," Squall waved her off, as he was trying to watch TV.

"Oh, ho, ho, ho!" the little midget-mage trotted off. "Marvelous joke!"

"This is getting old…" the SeeD muttered as he flipped the channel.

Tidus was humming his theme from FFX while hanging streamers in the gathering hall when he suddenly slipped and fell.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" CRACK!

"Medic!" Cloud called after examining the downed blitzer and the pool of blood slowly growing under his fractured skull.

"Get away!" Terra shouted, randomly shooting Blizzara spells at a spider that had come out of the box of tablecloths. The streamers were ruined, the ice sculpture that Firion and Cecil were carrying in was shattered, and OK was KO'd.

"I got it!" Zidane shouted. "Burn it up!" And the spider was torched…along with the tablecloths and half the tables.

"Light, give me strength…" WoL muttered, a hand to his forehead, as the fire alarms went off and water poured down on their heads. Squall merely licked his finger and turned the page in the magazine he was reading in a corner with his feet propped up.

"Light, give me strength…or whatever," Bartz mimicked, smirking at WoL and earning a pointy boot to the face.

"Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!" Shantotto added as she surveyed the carnage with a staff in hand. It was going to be a long day…

Meanwhile, at Chaos Shrine…

"Then I'll waltz in and ZAPPO!" Kefka concluded, disintegrating Kuja's action figures of the Cosmos crew.

"You blundering excuse for a circus performer!" the monkey-mage screamed as he cradled the charred remains. "One of these days…"

"Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath interjected.

"Perhaps we could disguise ourselves as the pizza delivery person…" Golbez suggested.

"And maybe you're not gay," Jecht retorted, obviously disapproving of the plan.

"Hey!" Golbez objected.

"The truly crafty must be leashed," CoD noted.

"Right…" Mateus muttered, making a mental note to cut the amount of candy that was available to everyone…except himself. He grabbed two chocolate-caramel bars before Garland could get them, making the full-plated guy shake in a Barret-esque fashion.

"Perhaps we should simply jump in through the skylight and Guilt them in the face, grab all the food, and run out!" Gabranth suddenly shouted, jumping up and brandishing his sword-thingy. Everyone looked at him and then thought for a moment.

"Turtle!" Exdeath agreed.

"Yes, that plan may just be the absolute stupidity we need," Mateus added.

"We'll send their party into the shadows!" CoD concurred as well.

"Very well," Golbez stated.

"Whatever," Jecht said from his upside down position in the trashcan with a lunar rock smashing him.

"TO ASH!" Garland shouted randomly. Several WTH looks later, they set about getting ready for their lame plan.

Back at Cosmos Castle…

"I implore you…don't cause as much collateral damage as last time," Cosmos said as she and WoL hung out in the hot tub in her large quarters (wearing swimsuits, of course).

"I will put an end to the conflict and accomplish the mission," WoL replied.

Down in the gathering hall…

"Don't put that there!" SQUISH! Firion looked under the box.

"Whoops. Sorry, Shantotto!" he said nervously as the little mage got up angrily.

"I think this is a natural progression!" she said as she summoned a tornado and tore up the hall again, flushing another hour's work down the drain.

Cosmos's Room…

"All right, so I may need some help," WoL admitted.

"I will believe in all of you, until the end…or I finally have to fire you, whichever comes first," Cosmos replied, leaning back and putting her feet in front of WoL.

"Yes, Cosmos…" WoL said meekly as he massaged her feet.

Back at Chaos Shrine…

"Fake dog leash, trick gum, explosive chocolate laxatives…" Exdeath crammed each object under his cape as he named it.

"Is that really necessary?" Mateus asked from the doorway. "It took me a week to get that gum bomb out of my hair,"

"Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath replied. "When I hit them with this stuff…Turtle!"

"All right, then…" the Emperor floated out and went down the hall. Glancing into Ultimecia's room, he saw her dancing around a fire, mostly naked and covered in chocobo blood.

After puking about something else, he continued to Garland's room, where he was punching a punching bag with everyone's picture on it (except for himself and Chaos, who was himself, technically).

"Checking into everyone?" CoD asked, floating up to him from her room.

"Are all these preparations…relevant?" Mateus mused aloud.

"I doubt it," CoD replied. "But they were never the sharpest blades in the inventory,"

"I'm the greatest!" Jecht shouted drunkenly from his room, followed promptly by a loud thud that indicated that he'd fallen down.

_Free me from this fantasy. _Mateus thought, putting a hand to his head as Golbez danced out of the kitchen with a tin of muffins and smudges of flour on his flowery apron.

Back at Cosmos's Castle…

"There we are," WoL said as he put the finishing touches on the gathering hall. By dismissing everyone except himself and Cecil, the preparations had been completed in 90 minutes instead of the 9 hours it would have otherwise likely taken.

"We decorated well," Cecil agreed.

"The catering has arrived," Cosmos informed them in her slow voice as she made OK push in the very large and heavy cart of food at gunblade point.

"Leave me alone!" he whined, running out after putting the cart in position.

"So now all we do is wait until tonight," WoL commented.

"Yes," she replied.

That night, outside…

"Hurry up, pitiful insect!" Mateus hissed as Garland wheezed and pulled himself up to the top of the hill.

"I…hate…hills…" Garland grumbled.

"Maybe you should take off some of that unsightly armor, then," Kuja tittered.

"Maybe you should turn to DUST!" Garland rasped angrily.

"It's a new adventure, turtles!" Exdeath announced loudly.

"Quiet down," CoD scolded them. "They'll hear us,"

"Unlikely," Golbez disagreed. "They are playing DDR Candyman so loudly that they wouldn't hear a stampede of chocobos coming,"

"I am the Judge Magister," Gabranth said randomly. Everyone gave him a WTH look. "Meaning, why do I have to drag this uncouth oaf!?" He dropped Jecht's drunk and unconscious body in front of them.

"He…does not have a place here," Ultimecia commented.

"Neither does Kuja, but we haven't kicked him out yet!" Kefka said excitedly.

"Why you-!" Kuja snarled, firing balls at the crazy clown, who just hopped, skipped, and jumped around them, laughing and screaming with joy (or insanity).

Inside…

"Do you hear something?" Cecil asked.

"I never hears nothin'," Zidane replied drunkenly, spilling some of his wine. "Hey, Terra! Baby!" He ran off to hit on her.

"I'm so frightened…" she curled up in a ball under the table.

"You're scaring her, Zargabaath," Shantotto scolded him, hitting him upside the head with her staff.

"This beer is a new adventure!" Bartz wobbled up drunkenly.

"Back off, Barfs!" the taru snapped, swiping at him. "This girl is not to be taken by brute force,"

"They're just tryin' to talk, dude," Firion said, cartwheeling by for no reason in particular.

"Ahh!" Terra teleported away.

"Geez, I ain't _that _drunk," Zidane grumbled, skipping off with Bartz.

On the roof…

"They are _so_ gay," Mateus observed absently.

"Okay, plan in action!" Jecht shouted, swaying slightly on his feet. "Commencing in…AGHH!" He fell through the skylight.

"Meatheads, meatheads, everywhere!" Kefka shouted.

"No time! Go!" Gabranth dove in.

"Very well," Golbez followed.

Inside…

"Dad!" Tidus ran up and gave his drunk father a drunken punch to the face. "What're you doing here?!" Suddenly Gabranth landed next to them.

"My sustenance is…" he smacked Tidus in the face. "True hatred!" He waved his swords and the blitzer blew up for no reason.

"Time to part!" Golbez said before he landed, summoning a bunch of rocks out of the ground and tearing up most of the hall, injuring many, including his own comrades. "Farewell,"

"My reign is absolute!" Mateus declared as he swiped a bunch of food, kicked Firion in the crotch, and made a mad dash for the exit.

"ZAPPO!" Kefka blew up an ice sculpture in WoL's face before he could finish using his Shining Wave.

"Party Formation!" he shouted as a piece of cake hit him in the face.

"Time for the finalé!" Kuja declared as Exdeath threw out a bunch of trick items.

"Retreat!" CoD shouted, hefting 20 pizzas out the door.

"Very well," Golbez replied, levitating the beer kegs.

"Sephiroth!" Cloud shouted, having finally shown up for the party. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! A S was cut on the front of Cloud's shirt and Sephiroth was gone in a cloud of feathers.

"Darn you!" the ex-SOLDIER shouted. "These clothes cost 1000 gil!"

Back at Chaos Shrine…

"Well, that went tolerably well," Golbez said as he ate a slice of pizza, somehow.

"I wish that Mateus was a lollypop…" CoD sighed dreamily and drunkenly as she stared across the room at the emperor. He was sitting in the corner, sipping at some wine and, no doubt, thinking what a barely amusing diversion this party was.

"I wish that we'd stolen some more of their CDs," Garland grumbled, downing another martini as Candyman repeated again.

"Kuja's actually useful for something," Ultimecia said as he mixed a drink for Kefka.

"Hic…I'm…gonna…Hic!" the crooked clown commented vaguely.

"I foresee a hangover…" Sephiroth predicted grimly. "10, to be more exact,"

Back at Cosmos Castle…

"Me darn it!" Cosmos raged as she saw the chaos in her gathering hall. "What the heck happened in here?!"

"Chaos gang…" WoL moaned, still trying to get a vase off of his head, but it was being held on by his dorky helmet, making it difficult.

"CHAOS!" the goddess of harmony screamed, shattering every window in the castle. "Oh, crap…"

Chaos's Office…

"Whoo…" the god of discord turned down his A/C. "Where'd that chill come from?"

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**Poor Kuja, and it's odd how a supposed genious like Shantotto can't remember peoples names. Remember to review and I hope that this was an adequate diversion.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Not quite sure if this chapter is up to scratch, but I still own nothing.

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****Chapter 4**

Everyone was hung over the next day, except Mateus, who hadn't drank enough to merit one, thank Chaos. Walking down the hall, the self-proclaimed puppeteer of existence glanced at the others' bedroom doors, a couple of which had been inadvertently left ajar.

"Heavens…" he muttered as he glanced in Ultimecia's room to find her passed out in a chair, cuddling with shirtless Sephiroth. Giving a shudder at the thought of those two together, he continued to the kitchen to make himself some breakfast.

"Why am I not moving?" Kefka muttered, half-conscious on the table. Mateus wrinkled his perfect nose in disgust as he stepped over a comatose Kuja, only to stub his toe on the out-cold armored bulk that was Garland.

"Ungaah!" the Emperor exclaimed, most unhappy, as he hopped on one foot, holding the other.

"Never drop your guard," Golbez commented as he came in, popping some pain killers in his concealed mouth.

"This coming from someone who is loath to reveal his true face," Mateus muttered. Golbez quickly started whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown" and busied himself with donning his flowery apron and cooking breakfast.

30 minutes later…

"I am leaving," Mateus declared as Golbez danced around the kitchen in a fashion that even Zidane might consider very gay. "If anyone inquires, I am at the Rift,"

"Come back again!" the armored moon man called after the guy that rules Hell. Stepping outside the shrine, Mateus summoned the cyclone and it did suck him up and did swing him around unnecessarily for 20 minutes before hurling him to the Rift. And Mateus was, verily, ticked, and was even more so as he smashed hard into the ground outside the mall entrance.

"Miserable worm…" he muttered, getting up and brushing off his armor and cape.

"You!" Mateus looked over to see Firion rushing towards him with a spear.

"My, my. One of the tools of Cosmos," he taunted eloquently, neatly stepping to the side and kicking Firion in the crotch.

"Ugh!" the guy with way too many weapons fell down on one knee and clutched the injured area. "We're not tools! We're hope!"

"A would-be rebel, chasing dreams," Mateus smirked, giving his counterpart an atomic wedgie.

"Ahh!" Firion started stumbling around, randomly swinging his axe. "When I find you, Mateus, I'm gonna stab, slash, lance, freeze, decide it, the end!" The Emperor merely chuckled.

"What a lofty ego," with that, he headed into the mall, ignoring the looks other patrons, from random worlds, gave him.

15 minutes later…

Mateus gave a yawn as he continued his boring walk past the many stores that had things he didn't need. Suddenly, though, he spotted Chaos in a music store, arguing with the clerk about headphones.

"These won't fit over my horns!" he objected.

"No offence, dude," the greasy teen cashier dude commented. "But nothin's gonna fit over those flippin' horns,"

"FEAR ME!" Chaos shouted, summoning a bunch of fire and burning up most of the store. Mateus put a hand to his pale forehead as the mall security guards showed up and dragged the god of discord off in handcuffs. "Let me go! I'm Chaos! You know, the villain from Dissidia? Come on! Your arrogance will be your undoing!" A quiet, yet familiar laugh, sounded from his left shoulder as he watched his boss, still protesting loudly, be dragged out of the mall.

"It's an honor, milady," he said, turning to face the floating woman he had some feelings about. Narcissistic as he was, he had to admit that she, at least, rivaled him in the looks department.

"We are amused at Chaos's antics," CoD commented.

"Yes, an adequate diversion," Mateus agreed. "I take it Golbez gave you my message?"

"Yes," she replied. "And Sephiroth and Ultimecia were coming here anyway," He shuddered at the thought of those two despair-mongers on a date.

"I foresee despair," Sephiroth commented as they watched the simultaneously alarming and amusing spectacle of their boss being dragged out of the mall by Security.

"There is no running from despair," Ultimecia agreed.

"So…" Mateus looked around at the shops. "Care to browse the insipid objects in these shops?"

"We would be honored," so they set off into the nearest shop, which happened to be a hardware store.

"I'm gonna murder him!" they heard someone shout from the other side of a shelf as they entered.

"Hmm…" Mateus peered through a crack in said shelf and saw WoL, Firion (still clutching his crotch, he was pleased to see) an OK, looking at chainsaws and machine guns.

"That is precisely our mission," WoL agreed. "We are to kill our Chaos counterparts so that they'll stop annoying us every day,"

"That CoD is nothin' to me!" OK declared pompously. Mateus felt CoD tense up in annoyance. "I beat her up and rescued Terra with no problems! Her Ex Burst sucks and is easy to block, anyway,"

"Why that…" CoD said with a demonic voice. "We are not amused!"

"Now, now…" Mateus held out an arm. "Let us wait for the opportune moment,"

"What're ya doin'? Let me in on it!" Jecht shouted obnoxiously, coming up to his allies.

"Silence!" Mateus snapped, but the heroes had already heard.

"It's them!" WoL summoned his sword and shield.

"I'm ready! Are you?" OK added.

"Always ready!" Firion added. Mateus sighed and shook his head.

"Run amok!" he blew up the shelf and sent an avalanche of chainsaws falling on the three Cosmos dorks.

"I…have a mission to fulfill…" WoL moaned as he twitched feebly under the pile of machines.

"Is my dream over?" Firion muttered, pulling a chainsaw out of his crotch.

"Leave me alone!" OK retorted in a wussy fashion.

"Uh, oh…" Mateus spotted Security coming and grabbed CoD by the arm. "A temporary withdrawal would be prudent," And then they sunk into the floor, leaving Jecht at the scene of the crime.

"Hey, wait a minute!" he objected as he was tackled by several fat guys and dragged out. "I didn't do anything! Hey! You'll hear from my attorneys! No one manhandles the Great Jecht!"

Sephiroth and Ultimecia were sitting in the ice cream parlor, idly gorging on ice cream and making fun of Kuja.

"Did you see his face when the chocolate syrup hit his hair? Priceless!" Sephiroth laughed.

"Yes, and then he chased Kefka around for 3 hours afterward, shouting about how it would take hours to scrub it out!" Ultimecia cackled.

"And then he fell in that mud puddle and Kefka patted his butt and ran off," Sephiroth continued.

"And then he ran off to his room and cried for the next two days!" Ultimecia concluded. The laughing went on for several minutes, drawing stares from some of the other customers. Suddenly, though, Mateus and CoD fell out of the ceiling over the booth next to the other pair and landed, none too gently, across the table.

"Ugh…this is barely amusing…" the Emperor complained, sliding into the seat and rubbing his injured hip. CoD, being barely affected, looked around and saw where they were. "…need to practice your teleporting…" the Emperor continued to grumble in his self-important, snooty fashion. He finally put a lid on it when an ice cream cone was pushed in front of his face. "Palamecian blueberry…" he took it. "You know my favorite flavor,"

"You buy a dozen quarts of it every time you do the group shopping," CoD pointed out, hiding a slight blush.

"It is a unique flavor…Exdeath and I had a bit of a wrestling match one evening over the last quart," Mateus said absently, tasting the reminder of the home he had left. Perhaps he should have appreciated it more instead of trying to conquer everybody…_No…that's not how I think…I love conquering and I love sweets. Is that not enough? But what of the Cloud of Darkness? Hmm…I allow my thoughts to run amok too freely…_

"Mateus," Sephiroth said from the booth adjacent. "Ultimecia and I were planning to go mess with Cloud and Terra later when they're on a date. Wanna come with?"

"Of course," he let out an amused chuckle. "I love to see pitiful worms squirm. How about it, CoD?"

"Yes, it would be an amusing step closer to the Void,"

An hour later, at the Lunar Subterrane…

"What do you think the others are doing?" Terra asked as she and Cloud walked along in the lunar dust.

"Not interested," Cloud replied. "Those guys are always up to something stupid. We're the only ones that…"

"That's not true," Terra replied. "They're just…a little…eccentric at times…"

On the ridge above…

"I can't stop laughing!" Kefka exclaimed in a crazy fashion.

"How did he get involved in this?" Sephiroth said with his face in his hand.

"He followed us," Mateus reminded him.

"Should I send him to the Void?" CoD inquired.

"Go ahead," Ultimecia said.

"AHHHHH!" Kefka screamed an earsplitting scream as he was fried by a giant laser.

Below…

They both turned quickly in the direction the scream came from.

"What was that?" Cloud muttered, holding his sword.

"It sounded like…Kefka…" Terra observed. "Let's go somewhere else,"

The ridge…

Kefka twitched on the ground, crispy and black.

"Why am I not moving?" he asked quietly, not knowing what hit him.

"Heavens…they fled, thanks to your antics, jester," Mateus said with superb disdain.

"Turtle!" Exdeath suddenly popped up from a ring. "We need to go bail out Chaos and Jecht,"

"Awwww!" Kefka whined, managing to get back up after chugging a potion. "I wanted to play more!" Everyone gave him an odd look.

Rift Security…

"Let me out of this infernal cage!" Chaos demanded, using every attack in his repertoire against the bars.

"Shut up for a minute!" Jecht shouted. "All you've done for the past hour and a half is complain!"

"I admire your bestial instincts…" Chaos muttered dejectedly, sitting down on the bed.

"Bail's here!" one of the random officer guys announced.

"Finally!" Chaos jumped up excitedly.

"You know, I always imagined this situation the other way around," Sephiroth commented.

"Shut up and pay the bail!" Chaos raged.

"Turtle!" Exdeath exclaimed randomly. Mateus rolled his perfect eyes.

"All right…I'll free you from this fantasy," he forked over 100,000 gil and the cages opened for Chaos and Jecht.

"Don't forget, your trials are tomorrow," the guard said in a bored fashion.

"I'll put an end to your endless dream!" Chaos retorted hotly.

"The truly mighty must be leashed," CoD warned him, wrapping her snakes around his wrists.

"Your nightmares will be dark…" the god of discord muttered darkly as he was led out.

* * *

**Poor Chaos. That's no way to treat a really violent demon-looking guy who's tearing up the mall. Remember to review so I know if this is "barely amusing" or "an adequate diversion".**


	5. Chapter 5

**Part written now, part weeks ago. Sorry it took so long to find some randomness to throw into this story. Still own nothing and it's probably a good thing I don't own Dissidia. After you read this, you're likely to agree.

* * *

****Chapter 5**

Squall was sitting on the couch, reading an emo book, when the group came into the living room. Chaos flopped dejectedly onto the sofa, causing it to burn to ashes in a second and drop him hard on the ground.

"Infernal sofa!" the god of discord raged as Jecht chugged a bottle of tequila and whiskey.

"Mayhap you should stop summoning fire," Mateus suggested in a way that clearly showed how unhappy he was that his entire candy budget had gone towards posting bail.

"KNOW DESPAIR!" Chaos retorted. Squall snorted and left the room, nose still buried in his emo book.

"Clam up, turtle!" Exdeath shouted as Golbez danced in with the sugarplum fairy playing.

"Have a cookie. It makes everything better," he said, setting down a warm basket of them on the coffee table.

"No thanks, I'm getting fat," Sephiroth said as everyone else dug in. After a few minutes of noisy gobbling, he shrugged. "What the hell," and joined in the impolite orgy of cookie eating.

Meanwhile, at Cosmos Castle…

The gum bomb that Exdeath had set off was still gunking up the lives of the castle's inhabitants. Several had a lot stuck in their hair and the others were otherwise inconvenienced.

"I will sever…the chains of gunk!" WoL declared dramatically, attempting to clear a particularly large piece of gum from half of the hall. It roared at him and ate him in a violent fashion that made OK wet himself.

"Where is Squall? He should be helping us," Cecil inquired of Firion, who was in a crotch cast, as they attempted to rescue WoL.

"Gone talking to a wall," Firion quoted. "That's all he-AGH!" He too was eaten in a gruesome fashion.

Back at Chaos Shrine…

"Why are you here, anyway?" Jecht asked, flopping down next to the SeeD.

"Castle's noisy," he replied in a bored tone, licking his finger and turning a page in his emo book.

"Are you serious?" the blitz king tilted his head. "This is the Chaos HQ. You know, your enemies?"

"Meh," Squall shrugged and turned another page.

"Well," Mateus suddenly announced loudly, having kicked Exdeath in the crotch and eaten the last cookie. "Shall we go kick the Cosmos crew while they're down?"

"Very well," Golbez replied. "I wish to harass Cecil today,"

"And we know how, too," Jecht said with many suggestive movements. He was quickly thrown through a wall, into a dumpster, and smashed with four lunar rocks. "Ouch…" He groaned, leg twitching feebly from under the pile.

"The Onion Knight will be stewed!" CoD declared, obviously intending to make an onion pun.

"And I thought _I_ was nuts!" Kefka screeched. "Cannibalism is detestable!"

"This, coming from the man who wishes to destroy everything?" Kuja interjected in a haughty way.

"I'm not in the mood!" Kefka snapped at the floating monkey-mage.

"This is no place for your ilk!" Gabranth stepped between them before a magic battle could demolish the shrine again.

"Sorry. I've got to help Chaos find a suit for tomorrow's trial," Garland declined.

Edge of Chaos…

"Darn it!" Chaos roared as yet another suit burst into flames upon coming into contact with his person.

Living room…

"Such a waste of time," Ultimecia commented. "Besides, my counterpart is right here," Squall flipped another page and ignored her gesture. "Hey! I want you to revere me!"

"Want it all you want, that won't make it true," Squall replied absently without looking up.

"Why you…" Ultimecia hissed.

"Ultimecia," Sephiroth intervened. "He's not going anywhere. Let's go give Cloud the gift we picked out for him at the mall," She brightened and donned a devious smile at the thought of the expression on his bored face.

"Since when is it custom to gift our foes?" Mateus inquired, out of the loop.

"You'll see…" Sephiroth said with a smile that said he and Ulti had a wonderful, awful idea.

"Turtle!" Exdeath declared, warping out.

"Time to part," Golbez added as the rest warped as well.

"Well, over to Chaos, I guess…" Garland shrugged and left Squall to be boring. "Geez, how do I turn out as such a dork?"

"Luck of the draw," Gabranth suggested, going back to doing whatever it was he did around HQ.

Cosmos Castle…

"It ate Onion Knight!" Tidus shouted in horror. "And there it goes!" The big wad of gum slipped into a side corridor with a weird slurping noise.

"What just happened?" Mateus asked, having just appeared, with the other Chaos guys, in time to see this.

"You!" Cecil shouted, pulling out his sword. "You planned this!"

"Lovely, no?" Kuja commented, quickly changing his mind when some gunk got on his sleeve and he flew off in a prissy fashion, shouting about how it would never come out.

"T'was not my design," Mateus said, looking around with an expression of distaste.

"Exdeath! Tell us what you know!" Bartz demanded, suddenly appearing from a side door to the hall.

"Don't see why I should, nobody ever tells me anything…" Exdeath grumbled. The other villains glared at him until he changed his tune. "Mwa, ha, ha!" He pointed at Bartz. "You'll never stop that gum! I bought it at Crazy Ed's Shop of Weird Curios!"

"Oh, man, you didn't!" Jecht exclaimed. "Crazy Ed smoked some bad granola!" Everyone gave him an odd look. "Anyway, let's get 'em!" He zoomed across the room and punched Tidus in the gut for no reason. Bartz quickly jumped on his back and put him in a stranglehold as the other villains charged forward to engage Cecil. Cloud suddenly fell through the skylight and landed hard near the entrance.

"Window's fixed…" he commented dryly as he got up, only to be intercepted by Sephiroth and Ultimecia.

"Sephiroth!" he barked, swinging at said man with a giant sword.

"We've thought of a wonderful present for you…" Sephiroth said as Ultimecia pulled out a wrapped box.

"No!" Cloud screamed.

"YES!" they chucked the box at him and it exploded in a burst of emo vibes.

"AHHHHH!" and so Cloud was sucked into an abyss of emoness, somewhere in the Void.

"Didn't think it'd do that…" Sephiroth commented, only to be grunt in surprise as Zidane and Shantotto tackled him.

"Take this, you uncultured brute!" the little taru shouted, clubbing him in the head. Ultimecia was about to fire a bunch of spears at them to fix their little, red wagons, but Exdeath was, somehow, kicked into her and both their clocks cleaned. The fight quickly ended, though, when the gum wad slurped back into the room and ate Jecht.

"What the-!" he shouted, trying to stab it, but his sword quickly sank into the goo and he was swallowed, for lack of a better term.

"A temporary alliance is in order," Mateus suggested as he, Cecil, Bartz, Zidane, Tidus, CoD, Golbez, Kefka, Sephiroth, and Shantotto fled the room and barricaded themselves in a drawing room down one of the numerous hallways.

"I think we're safe," Cecil panted.

"Never drop your guard," Golbez warned.

"I'll destroy that gum wad!" Kefka squealed with crazy delight.

"Go ahead," Sephiroth commented, shoving the crooked clown out the door and re-barricading it quickly. They all listened intently as they heard spells being fired outside.

"Take this! Zappo! And wadda ya think of this?" he shouted, but then there was a gruesome chomping noise and then silence.

"That was barely amusing," Mateus muttered, fingers to his forehead in a haughty manner.

"We lust to destroy!" CoD declared. "Let us all attack it at once!"

"No. It will merely consume us all," Ultimecia objected.

"Indeed. We will need some sort of strategy…" Golbez agreed.

"Well…" Sephiroth gave Shantotto a sly, sideways glance. "I have a plan…"

2 minutes later…

"Ya lousy wanker excuses for bloody-" Shantotto's shouts were cut off by eating noises as the others tore down the corridor.

"That's your plan?" Bartz said in disbelief. "I could've suggested running!"

"Retreat is an important part of any strategy," Sephiroth commented as they blocked the door to the dining room they had just entered.

"So…now what?" Cecil asked. "We cannot continue to run forever,"

"No, we cannot. If we are to devise a plan, it should be soon," Golbez said gravely.

"Let us call back Kuja to use as bait," CoD suggested.

"Wait," Zidane said.

"You, of all people, are sticking up for Kuja?" Sephiroth said, surprised, as he attempted to hold the, now, straining door shut.

"No!" Zidane replied quickly. "But, I was just thinking, maybe he can dry that thing out with fire spells or something!"

"Perhaps, but we have alienated him. I doubt he would come to our aid," Golbez pointed out.

"And we would never hear the end of it if he saved us," CoD added. The door suddenly gave way and Sephiroth was eaten in one bite.

"Oh, man! It's through the door!" Bartz freaked out and shot down the opposite hallway; the others hastily emulated him. '70s music suddenly started playing as the blob started chasing them through a bunch of clustered together doors in a very Scooby-doo-like fashion. After about 40 minutes of this, the two parties finally collided in the hall and Tidus was chomped, leaving Mateus, CoD, Cecil, Golbez, Zidane, and Bartz to bolt down the hall and into the massive gardens that were there for no reason in particular.

"Split up!" Bartz declared as everyone broke one of the rules of horror movies. Never split up when the monster is picking people off, you'll just be isolated and eaten. Speaking of which, Golbez finally slowed down in a dark division of some greenhouse.

"Perhaps I lost it…" he muttered, glancing around and jumping at a small click. Fortunately, it was just the sprinklers. _Whew… _he thought._ I'm getting a little too jumpy. I best find the others. After all, there is safety in- _His thoughts were interrupted as a large planter fell over and nearly crushed him. "Agh!" he grunted as he barely jumped aside. There was a giant roar, though, before he could give a sigh of relief and he turned to see a big wad of chewing gum towering over him. "Hah!" he fired a stream of lighting at it, effectively stopping it…for about five seconds. "I have no one to blame, but myself…" he muttered, chucking several rocks at the beast, but it just ate him in one bite, anyway. "AHHHH!" his last scream echoed throughout the area.

"Brother!" Cecil quickly raced over towards where he'd heard the cry. He came to a halt at the entrance to the greenhouse and steeled himself to go inside.

**_Will Cecil be the next victim of this ridiculous thing that was just made up on the spot? Find out in the next chapter of this horribly crack-tastic story!_**

* * *

**And that...is that! Until next time, signing off. And remember to leave a review so that I know if this is bad or really bad (joking tone).**


	6. Chapter 6

So a more serious chapter has come. Fans of a certain series will recognize the lame battle references. Still own nothing!

* * *

****

Chapter 6

_I can do this!_ Cecil thought nervously. _Golbez needs me! I can't chicken out, now!_ And, with this in mind, he took his first step into the eerie building with poor lighting (which, if you think about it, is ironic, since it a greenhouse and all. You'd think there'd be sunlight pouring in or something). For no real reason, Cecil started anxiously whistling the theme of Luigi's Mansion as he squinted into the shadows for a sign of the ebony-armored neutral guy from the moon. "Golbez?" he called uncertainly. "Goolbeez?" he called again. "GOLBEZ!" he screamed out like a green-clad plumber. He suddenly tripped over something. He freaked out and shot a Searchlight at it before realizing it was a vacuum cleaner. Wondering why a vacuum cleaner was in a greenhouse, he shrugged and strapped it to his back. Who knows? It might help against the gum blob (yeah right).

Meanwhile, on the other side of the gardens…

Mateus hovered slowly down a corridor in the hedge maze that was there for some reason beyond his thoughts or cares. Honestly, Exdeath will suffer the full fires of hell when I get hold of his stupendous bulk. The Emperor thought crossly as he cautiously peered around a corner, straining his perfect ears for a sign of any approach. A quiet rustling caught his attention from his left and he quickly fired a Flare into a wall, catching the maze on fire.

"AHHH!" Terra came streaming and screaming out of the flaming bush and knocked Mateus over, resulting in the two rolling quite a ways back the way he'd come.

"Are you in command of your mind?" Mateus snapped, grabbing her by the collar and yanking her to her feet as he got up.

"Oh, no! A Chaos guy! Get away!" Terra screamed frantically, shooting Blizzara spells everywhere but at her attacker.

"You're being annoying," the supreme puppeteer commented with superb disdain, easily holding the struggling Esperkin. "I am not here to kill you, you pitiful insect; I merely mistook you for the wretched gum blob that that fool, Exdeath, unleashed upon us all," With that, he dropped her, none-too-gently, into a heap on the ground.

"You mean there's something else out here?" she shrieked, attaching to his shiny legs. "I'm so frightened!" Mateus gave a sigh of annoyance.

* * *

"Golbez?" Cecil warily looked around the corner of a planter with a flashlight that he'd found, not too far from the vaccum cleaner.

"Cecil…" a ghostly voice wavered from somewhere down the aisle.

"Golbez? Is that you?" he asked, starting to shake and breathe heavily as the air turned cold for no reason.

"No…its just a random ghost…" the voice said eerily before making a sound like a car driving off really fast.

"Oh, well," Cecil gave a sigh of relief. "But where's Golbez, then?" ROAR! That made him spin pretty fast. "Oh, no! It's the blob!" the Paladin shouted as he turned on the vaccum cleaner and started sucking globs of gum out of the monster. It growled in annoyance and shot some lightning out of one of its tentacles. Cecil leapt out of the way and chucked a Shadow Lance at it. The weapon just sank in with a weird GLOOP. "What manner of abomination is this?" he demanded of no one. "BURN!" The dark flames sizzled towards the blob and engulfed it, turning it into a mighty conflagration.

"You did it!" Zidane said brightly, jumping out from behind a planter and quickly getting a Gravity Ball to the face. "Ow!"

"Sorry, I'm still a little on edge," Cecil apologized.

"Well," Zidane rubbed his face. "At least we can go tell the others that you killed it," ROAR! They spun in time to see a hardened, black gumball with a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth and two glowing green eyes. "What the-AHHHHH!" Zidane met with a very bloody death, followed by being eaten. Cecil shook violently, staring at the thing and then did what a green-clad plumber would do.

"GOOOOLBEEEEEEEZ!" he screamed, running out of the greenhouse at full tilt.

"Ooh, the clouds are getting dark," Bartz taunted cheekily as he encountered CoD in the cabbage patch that was never used.

"Arrogant fool!" she snapped. "We should be finding a way to defeat that…thing, not hurling curses at one another,"

"Ya got me there," he replied, scratching his head. Suddenly, Cecil's scream reached them.

"What?" CoD snapped, looking in the general direction it came from. Bartz didn't reply; he had an awful feeling that something bad had happened to Zidane. After about a minute, Cecil came tearing around the corner, screaming, and lugging a vaccum cleaner on his back.

"Guys! I tried using my Dark Flame on the blob, but it just turned into a hard gumball and then…it got Zidane!" he broke down sobbing.

"No!" Bartz shouted. "How could it?" And he too broke down, crying like a wussy. CoD rolled her eyes. I wonder how Mateus is doing? She thought.

"This is barely amusing," Mateus muttered crossly, attempting to walk through the maze while dragging a shaking and crying Terra on his foot.

"It's gonna eat us and we're gonna rot in its stomach for years and-" she kept going on and on, her words getting progressively faster. The Emperor wished he had some pain killers and pockets to carry them in so that he could curb the headache that was swiftly manifesting itself in his frontal lobe. _Perhaps I'm having a stroke._ He thought hopefully. _That would free me, quite nicely, from this fantasy._ It was then that he heard the screams from the cabbage patch.

"It must have found the others," Mateus observed boredly. This only made the volume of Terra's inane muttering and crying increase.

* * *

"TRUE DARKNESS!" she formed a massive sphere of dark energy in her hands. "UNLEASH THE SHADOWS!" Her Ex Burst tore across the field, striking the gumball head on. It did little but growl menacingly in response.

"There's no hurting it!" Bartz exclaimed, the stars over his head bristling (somehow). Suddenly, the gumball flashed and grew a miniature dragon head on its shoulder.

"It's my brother's Ex Mode!" Cecil exclaimed. "Arrrrgh! How dare it use Golbez's powers against us!" The ball floated up in midair and started summoning meteors out of nowhere.

"Guide my inner shadow, light and dark above…" the gumball said in a manikin-esque voice.

"We shall all return to the Void!" CoD declared, indicating that she thought them to be doomed. Suddenly, a bunch of magical balls bombarded the gumball, knocking it out of Ex Mode with shock and surprise, and sending it crashing into the warehouse.

"What…just happened?" Cecil wondered aloud. He got his answer when Kuja floated slowly and dramatically down and landed in front of them.

"Kuja!" they all exclaimed.

"Yes, it is I!" he declared, spinning around dramatically and laughing haughtily.

"Why'd you help us out? I thought you hated us," Bartz asked, cocking his head.

"The reason I came was because I sensed that something had happened to Zidane," Kuja replied. Bartz and Cecil looked downcast. "And it looks like I was right," The gumball roared angrily as it somehow crawled out of the greenhouse rubble without limbs (don't ask how). "Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah! You look ridiculous!" he taunted, turning to face his opponent. "However…" he flipped his hair and his face suddenly became angry as he entered Trance. "JUST GO AWAY!" A hail of purple spells began shooting out of the sky and bombarding the gumball as Kuja floated away with his hands upheld. The final explosion shook the area, but the gumball looked only slightly scuffed. "What?" Kuja saw that his Ultima barely did nothing. "Well then, I'll just bring this to an end!" He cast a stream of blue energy at the gumball, causing an explosion to the face.

* * *

"It sounds like there's fighting over in that direction," Mateus commented, kicking Terra off of his leg. "Stay here if you wish, but I am going to put the fear of hell in that gum blob!" With that, he flew off.

"What do you think life is?" Terra whined, curling up in a ball. "Nothing comes…from hurting others…"

* * *

"Oough!" Kuja wheezed as the gumball smashed into him, sending him crashing into the ground a few yards away. "I won't admit it!" He floated back to his feet, wiping a bit of blood from his forehead. "I can't lose!"

"He needs help!" Bartz declared. "Let's go, guys!"

"Right!" Cecil agreed as they flew off to attack the gumball.

"Fools…that thing is beyond our powers to control…" CoD muttered, staying put and watching. The gumball began charging a Straightarrow in its mouth to fire at Kuja, but Bartz suddenly smacked it in the face with a Holy spell while attacked with a Searchlight. It staggered and roared, but managed to grow a tentacle and smack them away.

"Ow! That's a new one!" Bartz commented, rubbing his jaw, before he and Cecil went back on the offensive with a combined Paladin Force that made the gumball fly backwards, top over bottom, and land on two tentacle legs it had just sprouted. Bartz quickly Free Air Dashed forward and smacked the gumball back with Slidehazzard, bowling it over, going behind it, bowling it over again from behind, knocking it up in the air, and sending it plummeting to the ground.

"The moon leads me!" Cecil shouted, finished charging his Ex Burst, and flew forward, slashing the gumball. He flew upwards and changed classes, hurling his dark blade at the foe, before blasting it with a stream of darkness. "Light and darkness cast aloft!" He changed back to Paladin and cut it two punishing blows after running it through again as a Dark Knight. The gumball roared as it smashed to the ground and there was a giant flare from its body as it began to glow brightly.

"Oh, my," Mateus finally descended on the field, tired of watching. "It seems to have activated Warrior of Light's Ex Mode and he is the most powerful of the Cosmos fighters,"

"How do you know this?" CoD asked, finally coming to the battlefield.

"I just do," Mateus replied shortly. "Glad to see you haven't died yet,"

"I could say the same to you," CoD replied.

"What about me?" Kuja snarled, floating over to them, holding an arm and grimacing in pain.

"You are a waste of time," Ultimecia commented, appearing suddenly.

"Where have _you _been?" Mateus inquired, raising a perfect eyebrow.

"I went off to torture Squall; failing that, I returned and, lo and behold, I find you fighting the monster," she put a hand to her chin. "I see it's changed, though," Bartz and Cecil came smashing into the ground next to them right after she said this.

"Man, I just can't win…" Bartz muttered.

"I was careless…" Cecil added.

"It seems that Warrior of Light's Ex Mode has doubled its power and defenses," Mateus observed, not to mention the power of Firion, Onion Knight, Zidane, Exdeath, Golbez, and the others,"

"Together! Together we must fight!" CoD shouted.

"Never! I refuse to cooperate with you uncouth oafs!" Kuja objected, flying at the super gumball.

"Kuja, no!" the other three cried after him. But it was too late, the gumball caught him in its teeth as he attempted to fire a Seraphic Star into hits eyes. With a gruesome gulp, he was eaten.

"Disgusting…" Mateus muttered as the monster roared and went into trance. "Eating others to increase its own power…"

"The odds of the three of us being victorious look slim," CoD predicted grimly.

"If only that Esperkin wasn't such a useless worm," Mateus said bitterly. He activated his Ex Mode, as did Ultimecia, and CoD stayed in hers.

"Let's go!" the time witch said as they all charged into the battle.

_**Can Mateus, Cloud of Darkness, and Ultimecia stave off this threat in this rip-off of DBZ? Find out in the next chapter of Mateus…is…Mister…Wonderful! (corny rip-off of DBZ episode title music)**_

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**Funny stuff? Well, anyway, I don't know that WoL is the strongest guy on Cosmos's team, just making a DBZ joke. Besides it depends on who's playing them and what's equipped, anyway. Good night! (Luigi's Mansion theme)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow! A two-for-one deal! Where does all this random ripoff come from? Okay, this chapter is pretty violent, but I suppose Dissidia fans can handle that! Don't worry, the silly will be back by chapter 9 or 10. Still own nothing!**

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Chapter 7

**"Run amok!" Mateus threw a blue and an orange Flare at the beast while CoD unleashed a Fullisade of dark spheres. The gumball flipped backwards and counter with a Radiant Sword and a Vacuum wave. They dodged around these attacks as Ultimecia fired a Great Attractor at it, clocking it in the top of its hard, sugary sphere. Roaring, it leapt forward and punched Mateus in the stomach before sending him flying with a blow to the face. CoD blasted at it with an O-Beam but it dodged and slapped her with a tentacle, sending her spinning out and into an intact greenhouse with a burst of shattered plaster and concrete. Ultimecia flew backwards, shooting a barrage of spears at the monster as Mateus leapt back to his feet and Omni Air Dashed forwards, smashing into the side of the monster with his staff-thingy. It screeched as its crunchy exterior was cracked slightly, but it quickly recovered and leapt up in the air.**

"Now what?" The Emperor shouted in annoyance.

"I bring you despair!" the gumball shouted in the voice of a Sephiroth manikin.

"Oh, no!" Ultimecia shouted.

"Get down!" Mateus shouted, jumping on top of CoD as she attempted to return to the battlefield. With a swing of a tentacle, meteors appeared out of nowhere and exploded all around them as a Supernova burst from nowhere. Ultimecia screamed as she was utterly vaporized. The explosion ruffled Mateus's cape as it passed over. After a few seconds, he cautiously looked over his shoulder.

"Th-This can't be!" he gasped. There was a rip in time and space where Ultimecia had been standing. Two yards in diameter, this portal to the Void was etched into the pavement. He and CoD floated upright as they gazed in horror at the power this mere wad of gum had obtained. _Is this…fear? _The Emperor thought, realizing what he was up against and starting to tremble slightly.

"N-No way!" Bartz said, quite frightened, from where he and Cecil had been thrown by the explosion. "How could he have that kind of strength?"

"Brother…lend me your strength…" Cecil muttered as he struggled to his feet.

"What're you doing, Cecil?" Bartz asked. "You aren't going to fight that thing, are you?" Cecil said nothing, but moved forward with glazed eyes, heading for the monster that was laughing at the carnage it had wrought.

_What does he think he's doing?_ Mateus thought, a grimace of anxiousness on his face.

"Gumball! I challenge you!" Cecil shouted, scowling with pain. The gumball floated down slowly and landed next to him, a good yard away. It chuckled and made a 'bring it' gesture with a tentacle. Cecil suddenly disappeared in a flash of light and appeared on the monster's back, digging the spikes of his Dark Knight outfit in as he began to glow.

"Cecil, no!" Bartz shouted, running forward, seeing what he was about to do.

"Are you a fool? You won't stop it like that!" Mateus shouted.

"Ignorant mortal…" CoD muttered, leaning on Mateus's shoulder with an eye closed in grimace.

"DARK BURST!" Cecil screamed as he and the gumball were engulfed in a flash of silver light that took up the half of the garden they were in.

"A temporary withdrawal!" Mateus shouted as he grabbed CoD and Bartz and flew to the other side of the garden with the speed of hellfire.

"CECIL!" Bartz cried as they fled.

Terra was still shaking when a massive explosion shook the area, knocking over the hedge maze, and sending her flying back a ways. She finally landed painfully and shakily got to her feet.

"Ahh!" she screamed shortly in horror as she saw the massive destruction.

"Curse that wretched beast!" Mateus shouted. Her gaze snapped up as he landed and dropped off his passengers. "It's taken out nearly all of our combined warriors, and its just a damned prank item!"

"Crazy Ed is insane, indeed," CoD muttered, resting in a squatting position with one hand in front of her.

"Cecil!" Bartz sobbed, shaking on the ground. Mateus growled and spun, kicking the mimic in the ribs, which happened to be broken. "OW!" He glared at The Emperor. "What was that for?"

"You can't be wasting time mourning that fool! The gumball is still alive and will come to kill us in due time!" Mateus spat with venom, his regal demeanor actually fraying for once. "We must construct a plan, and quickly!"

"There is no plan," CoD said grimly. "We may damage it, but we will never send it to the Void,"

"Grr…" Mateus looked angrily at the ground, his eyes eventually falling on Terra. "You! Esperkin!"

"Me?" Terra squeaked, backing up.

"Yes!" Mateus barked. "You have untapped powers rivaling the Warrior of Light! We need them!"

"She is too fragile," CoD said coldly. "Her powers are too much for her weak form and she'll just lose control, then become fuel for the gumball,"

"We have to try!" Mateus argued. "Girl! Awaken your powers, now!"

"B-But I…I can't!" Terra cried, backing away from the advancing king of hell. A distant explosion distracted them as the gumball burst out of the rubble it was buried in, now in a pink, humanoid shape; it wore various parts of the outfits of the people it had eaten.

"Argggh! It's back and even stronger now!" Mateus cursed.

"Fade in the light!" it shouted in a manikin voice, summoning WoL's sword and firing a Shining Wave at them. They all dodged into the air. "Imbeciles!" Several Vacuum Waves came their way. Mateus and CoD batted them aside.

"Cloud of Darkness, Bartz, follow my lead!" The Emperor commanded as he flew forward, firing a series of bombs at the gum monster. CoD and Bartz both arced around in opposite directions and fired an O-Beam and Holy, respectively, hoping at least one of the attacks would land.

"Heh, heh, heh!" Gum-E merely laughed and used Omni Block to stop their attacks before summoning a massive cyclone to blow them all away.

"Ungahh!" Mateus shouted, flying head over heels for almost the length of the garden before managing to Midair Recover.

"Ugh!" CoD gasped as she too was flung far away before she could recover. Bartz, however, let out a cry of,

"Guaaan!" before smashing into the castle, leveling a good third of it, and not reemerging.

_His strength is annoying! _Mateus thought angrily, eyeing it and then glaring as his eyes fell on Terra again. "Girl!" He roared. "Unleash your power on this beast before its too late!"

"I…I can't…I just can't…" Terra muttered meekly, curling up in a ball.

"Damn!" Mateus snapped, flying back over to meet CoD near where Gum-E was.

"It seems Bartz will no longer be joining us," it said with a smirk.

"What are you?" CoD demanded.

"The ultimate manikin, Gum-E! Crafted from the powers of your comrades!" Gum-E replied evilly while some cheesy villain music came from nowhere. "Crazy Ed had no idea what he was making when he made those gum bombs and now it will be the bane of all!" Cue evil laugh for five minutes. Five long, boring minutes of listening to a distorted voice laugh. Mateus almost felt like the struggle was over, faced with this boredom of random stupidity. Finally, though, the laughing ended and Gum-E pointed dramatically at him. "But soon, with your powers, I will have every ability I need to defeat anyone!"

"I lament to inform you of this, but the only one fit to rule, is I!" Mateus declared hotly, springing a shock glyph that he'd hidden during the laughing episode.

"What the-?" Gum-E exclaimed.

"Cloud of Darkness, now!" The Emperor shouted.

"UNLEASH THE SHADOWS!" she screamed, firing a massive laser out of her hand, laughing sinisterly. The rest of the front of the castle was leveled and, as the dust cleared, it seemed they might have won.

"Don't relax yet," Mateus warned, taking a defensive position.

"Time to part!" Gum-E's voice came from the dust cloud. Every chunk of ground for a large radius around the monster shot up in the air and began to spin around, buffeting the two Chaos warriors. "Farewell!" And they were slammed into the ground with bone-shattering force.

"M-My strength…is certain…" Mateus raged, struggling to stay on his feet. It was in vain, though, as he fell down and left Ex Mode. _Cloud of Darkness…I…_

Terra watched in horror as the last two Chaos warriors fell in battle to the weird Gum-E. It chuckled as it hovered over to Mateus and picked him up by the collar.

"It looks as though Hell needs a new ruler," Gum-E taunted. "Eating you ought to make me that,"

"Ugh…Girl! Unleash your powers, now!" Mateus roared with the last of his strength.

"B-B-B-But…I-I-I-I…can't…" she shuddered violently.

"Then the entirety of the universe will die!" he spat, coughing up some numbers.

"Mwa, ha, ha!" Gum-E dropped him, not gently at all, and turned to Terra. "You think this pathetic Esperkin can fight me? She can barely keep from wetting herself," This was quickly proved false. "Ew…" Gum-E scrunched his face up in disgust as Terra flushed with anger and embarrassment.

"I-I'm stronger t-than you k-know!" she declared. "I'm…afraid of h-how strong I am…"

"Heh…then avenge your friends…" Gum-E sneered.

_My friends…the ones I've failed time and time again… _Terra thought, clenching her fists._ Every time they needed help, I always froze. Cloud and Onion Knight were always my shield and I…I was just a liability._ She pulled out her sword and took a fighting stance. "I'll protect the future, no matter what you do!"

"Well said…" Gum-E replied, pulling out the Masamune. "I will make those words your last, ESPERKIN!" He sped forward at the speed of sound, executing the Oblivion move. Terra easily leapt over his blade and gave him a sharp heel to the head. Reeling, Gum-E leapt away and threw an axe at Terra. Sidestepping it, she summoned a Flood from underneath the monster, catching him be surprise and sending him airborne.

"Heavens' Lament!" she cried, calling a hail of meteors to batter the gum-based villain that unintentionally sounded like another from what the chapter was ripping off.

"Heh, heh, heh!" Omni Block appeared and stopped the falling rocks. "Give me strength!" A cascade of lightning fell from the sky and left a scorch mark where Terra had been a second before.

"Get away!" she fired a Blizzara at him, but he countered with a Grand Lethal.

"You're not getting away!" it shouted as it strained to overpower the Blizzara. Terra focused harder on pushing the spell at him, straining with the effort and groaning as she put out such strength.

_Impossible…she actually has _more _power than the Warrior of Light… _Mateus thought with wonder, watching painfully from his prone position as the power struggle began to make the area crack and fall apart.

"Agh!" Gum-E slipped free of the Blizzara and arced right into Terra's face, taking her completely by surprise and causing her to fly a good six yards before being able to recover. Gum-E was already rushing her, though, so she jumped back a few times and leapt into the air.

"Ahh!" she said, gathering power. "Empower!" A massive Meltdown went whizzing at the gum monster, who stopped quickly with a screeching tire noise and Jecht Blocked it. Terra gasped as the powerful spell dissipated at one flick of Gum-E's fist.

"Don't tell me that's the best you can do…" he chuckled. "Because I'm still just warming up, Terra," She gave a slightly annoyed sigh.

_**Will Terra be able to take down this accidental rip-off of Buu? Find out next time on Mateus…is…Mister…Wonderful! (cheesy DBZ music ripoff) **_

**Another yarn spun, more lawsuits incurred, even with credit due...(sigh) Anyway, your opinion is appriciated to keep the stupid in supply. Peace out, y'all! (crickets and lawyers object) Uhh...(sweatdrop) Gotta go!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I have passed through months of computer repairs and writers block to finish the chapter that is seen here now. I hope that it is enjoyed, but I still own nothing.****

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Chapter 8**

Terra sighed as she floated down a little.

"Hmm…are you feeling okay?" Gum-E gloated. She didn't reply but kept focusing her energy, Ex energy flying into her from all over the field. "Hmm?" He looked around at this. "Wait…is she?" Her eyes snapped open as a giant burst of light emanated from her body.

"I have to fight you!" she screamed as waves of energy pulsed from her body.

"Impossible!" Gum-E shouted as he braced himself, trying not to be pushed back, but eventually losing out and flying through the air for 20 yards before he could recover. "N-No way!" he growled, his face grimacing angrily and twitching. The aura of Ex energy continued to pulse around the Esperkin as she looked over at him, her eyes narrowed in grim concentration.

_Ludicrous! _Mateus thought angrily. _This girl has the power to defeat the entire Chaos team and Chaos without managing a sweat! Why her? I am the ruler of all! My reign is absolute!_

Before Gum-E could even bat a lash, Terra suddenly appeared in front of him and gave him several hard slashes to the torso before grabbing him by the head, digging in her claws, and smashing him into the ground at the speed of sound; the resulting shockwave could be felt for miles around. In a flash, she teleported above him and held out a hand.

"Take this!" she shouted, firing a Meltdown at Gum-E as he quickly jumped to his feet. He Omni Blocked and it exploded against his shield. Before he could gloat, though, "Let it end!" another was on its way and exploded right in his face, driving him into the ground. "Malevolent winds!" She cried, calling a cyclone before he could even try to move. The massive cyclones picked him up and hurled him around, slicing him in midair for minutes, before she charged through them as they dissipated, kicking Gum-E in the stomach, causing numbers to fly out of his mouth. Acting quickly, she slashed his face a couple dozen times, moving in a blur, before elbowing him in the head and sending him smashing into the ground once more.

"Curse this girl…" he spat, struggling to his feet, his body battered and scuffed. "How can anyone surpass the power I have? I am stronger than even Chaos!"

"Stolen power cannot surpass true potential!" Mateus shouted, allowing himself a chuckle at Gum-E's expense.

"Silence, fool! I can surpass anything!" the gum monster roared, firing a Vacuum Wave at Mateus. The latter grimaced at the powerful sphere approaching at high velocity, but Terra suddenly appeared in front of him and stopped it with one finger. Both Mateus and Gum-E were visibly shocked and Gum-E even more so when she flicked it back at him. "Agh!" He was bowled over, clutching his face. Terra floated slowly over to him until she was right over him. He glared at her, his face convulsing with rage.

"And now you will release those you have eaten," she demanded, driving her foot into his stomach with such force that he suddenly swelled, looking like he was about to puke up a whole city. What happened was very similar. Exdeath came flying out of the expanded gullet, covered in sugar water, followed by Golbez, then Zidane, and then the others. Gum-E gasped in agony as numbers trickled heavily from his mouth.

"You…you will pay for this!" he screeched, now sounding very distorted and 'gloopy'. Terra kicked him into the air.

"No more running!" she drew in all the Ex energy remaining in the area. "I can protect everything!" She shot up and kneed the villain in the stomach, causing him to spit out numbers, before flying above him. "I won't be defeated!" With two swings of her hands, the Esperkin unleashed two potent waves of Ex energy, slicing the gum villain asunder before exploding him in a burst that lit up the sky for miles around. Exhausted, Terra reverted from Ex Mode and fell to the ground, K'O'd at last.

_(mock DBZ narrator) And so the evil Gum-E was defeated, and life returned to normal for the two rival crews we love so much…or as normal as their lives are, anyway. Yes, with everyone recovering from this awful struggle, it seemed that all was as it should be._

At Edge of Chaos…

"No, no!" Chaos screeched. "That too disintegrates upon contact with me!"

"Cannot you cease your flame production?" Garland asked moodily.

"I am the god of discord," Chaos answered slowly. "My flames burn eternally,"

"Well, unless you can make a suit of fire, I give up," Garland snapped.

"Hmm…" Chaos said thoughtfully.

"You jest. You have that power?" Garland said angrily.

"Well…" Chaos replied, sweating lava a little.

"Chaos!" Gabranth came running in. "We have trouble at Cosmos Castle!"

"Are my warriors in dire straights?" Chaos inquired.

"Everyone is!" the Judge Magister replied. "The gum bomb that Exdeath set off the other night turned into a monster and ate several warriors from both sides. Terra has managed to defeat it, but Mateus is the only one conscious at all. He barely managed to contact me,"

"We must go, then!" Chaos declared and they all teleported in a flash of flame.

At the Rift hospital…

Chaos, Garland, and Gabranth were sitting in the waiting room. Needless to say, they were attracting some apprehension from others that were occupying the same room (if you've ever had the god of discord, his past self, and some judge guy sitting in the waiting room across from you, you'll know what I mean).

"These infernal magazines are boring!" Chaos complained, holding said magazine with reverse oven mitts on his hands (you know, oven mitts that protect what you're holding from the heat).

"Then go pace the lobby!" Garland retorted. He looked back at the desk, where Gabranth was asking about the others' condition.

"I wish he'd hurry up!" Chaos said impatiently.

"Patience never was your strong point," Cosmos said in her echoey voice as she sat down across from him.

"Cosmos…still you remain in Purgatory…" Chaos commented softly.

"You too, have lost many of your warriors to injury," she pointed out.

"True…true…" he agreed. They were interrupted by Gabranth's clinking footsteps.

"They'll be fine, thanks to the magic that keeps we pawns alive," the judge informed them. "In fact, those eaten should recover faster, assuming they weren't mauled beforehand,"

"What of Ultimecia and Cecil?" Garland asked. "Will Cosmos's and Chaos's power revive them?"

"Yes, in a few days," Chaos replied, arms crossed. "But I have my trial to think about,"

"Judge Ghis is not a kind or fair judge," Gabranth warned. "I will act as your attorney, so as to even the playing field, if only a little,"

"Do so, Judge Gabranth," the god of discord replied solemnly.

The next day, the Rift courthouse…

"All rise," FF7 Cid said to the assembly. "The 'honorable' Judge Ghis residing,"

"Isn't it 'presiding'?" Gilgamesh whispered into Cid's ear.

"Hell if I know," Cid hissed back as Ghis sat down.

"We are here to hear the case of the Rift Mall v. Chaos and Jecht," Ghis read from his pamphlet. "Will the accused please state their pleas?"

"Not guilty," Gabranth said.

"So noted," Ghis replied. "Alright, will the prosecution care to call its first witness?"

"Ohohoho! Indeed I would. Mjrn of the Viera, from deep in the wood!" the prosecutor said in a haughty fashion.

"Shantotto!" Gabranth gasped from within his helmet that mismatched with his navy suit.

"Oh, hello, Grabie…Grabo…Gabrand…" the conceited Taru said dismissively. "Still working for Chas, of whom I'm not fond?"

"Ahem!" Ghis snapped, banging his overly fancy gavel on the judge's table. "There is a cross-examination going on here!"

"Oh, right, my apologies, I rambled on quite long, let us interrogate this hearer of the woods' song," Shantotto replied, waddling up to the witness box and climbing up on a chair so that she could look the Viera in the face. "You were at the Rift Mall on the day of the crime, what did you see in that time?"

"I witnessed the God of Discord grow angry at the inadequate assistance of the shopkeeper at the music store and incinerate the establishment with his powers,"

"Objection!" Gabranth shouted. "I see no evidence of any incineration! This is hearsay!"

"Care to interject, Shantotto?" Ghis asked the prosecutor.

"It so happens that I have support to my claim," she said, pulling out several pictures of the wrecked store. "The store was much damaged by Chaos's flame," Ghis looked at the photos and put them aside.

"Overruled," he stated. "Please continue with the cross-examination,"

"I believe I have made my point," Shantotto shrugged, turning to go back to her seat. "Let Gabby have a crack or hurt a joint," Vein pulsing in his forehead, Gabranth took his cue and approached the witness box.

"Miss Viera, you say you saw my client destroy this store,"

"Yes,"

"Where were you, exactly?"

"Objection! What is the relevance of her location?" Shantotto asked.

"Let's see where this is going…" Ghis waved his hand in dismissal.

"I was in the wine shop, testing wines so that I could decide which to take to Fran's birthday party that night," Mjrn answered.

"If that is true, then is it not possible that you merely imagined that-"

"Objection! I doubt that a few sips of wine, not swallowed, even nine…"

"Yes, I agree," Ghis nodded. "Objection sustained,"

"Ugh…" Gabranth sighed. "I have no further questions," He headed back to his seat.

"Nice job defending me…" Chaos breathed angrily.

"Well, it is difficult to hide the fact that you _did_ blow up a store in plain sight of everybody,"

"I call my next witness, a man who is great in fitness," Shantotto declared, interrupting their whispered conversation.

"OH YEAH, BABY!" a blonde kid with a tattoo on his face bounded into the courtroom with the energy of a raccoon on sugar.

"Please refrain from shouting like that!" Ghis clutched his head. As Zell sat down, Shantotto walked forward and climbed on her chair.

"At the Rift Mall, you were present, correct? What of Chaos's doing, while there, did you detect?" the Taru inquired.

"I was hanging around the comic book store with Library Girl when there was a BOOM, CRASH, KA-BOOM!" Zell waved his arms around in a hyper way and knocked Shantotto across the room. She smashed unceremoniously into a wall and turned into a doll.

"Haw-haw!" laughed a random spectator.

"Baliff, revive the prosecutor," Ghis ordered boredly. Cid grumbled and equipped a Revive materia.

"Life f'n 2!" he yelled. A beam of light shined through the roof somehow and the Taru turned back to normal.

"Mr. Dincht, please refrain from killing the court officials," Ghis added to Zell.

"Can do!" the fighter said loudly, making Ghis's helmet rattle. Grumbling and clutching his head, the judge watched Shantotto climb back onto her chair. "So, anyway," Zell continued. "I ran outside the store and saw a the music store on fire and that demonic-looking guy in the middle of it,"

"My point is proven, the web, unwoven," the Taru took her seat.

"No further questions, your honor," Gabranth said in annoyance.

"What kind of defense is that?" Chaos barked in a whisper (despite how contradictory that statement is).

"There is no way to disprove it," Gabranth argued. "He's hyperactive, but not impaired,"

"Well, I've seen enough," Ghis said. "The law says that the destruction of others' property is legal and I'm going to take its word for that. I declare the subjects guilty,"

"What about _my _case?" objected Jecht. "I'm not even bein' tried on the same charges as "Chas" here!" The god of discord growled at the nickname.

"Quiet, or we'll hold you in contempt!" Ghis shouted. "Take them away, pending sentencing!"

"This ain't right!" Jecht roared, randomly punching out Gilgamesh and getting into fisticuffs with FF7 Cid. He grabbed the pilot by his shirt with his flaming claw hand and slide-smashed him across the courtroom before firing him through a wall. "Get lost!" he barked. Ghis jumped out of his seat and got out his axe-thingy.

"You dare bare your sword at the law? The law bare bare its sword at you for it is, in the grand spiral of things, the hope of…"

While Jecht was being British backwards-talked to death, Shantotto took this opportunity to set Gabranth on fire for no reason.

"Ahh! You bloody Taru!" he shouted, rolling around on the ground.

"Ho, ho, ho, ho!" she laughed haughtily, a hand before her mouth. "I guess I really _burn_ you up! Ho, ho, ho, ho!"

"Your life ends here!" Gabranth shouted, pulling his knife-thingies out nowhere and firing several shockwaves at her. She giggled and jumped over them.

"A natural progression!" she said as a bunch of water surrounded the singed judge and beat him up, as well as soaking him to the bone.

"Eternal Pain!" he batted her with a shockwave that came from the agony of his soul that had long been tortured by his betrayal of his dear brother Basch and his lovely home of…

Meanwhile, Jecht was on his knees, practically sobbing, as Ghis continued to backwards-talk him to death. He didn't know whether he agreed with the judge or not, or what the hell the guy was saying, for that matter. Suddenly, the doors of the courtroom flung open and in stepped a guy dressed in a random assortment of Dalmascan clothes.

"Introducing Captain Basch for Ronsenburg!" Vaan announced in the dorky fashion he was prone to do so in, coming in behind the vision of awesomeness.

"Oh, bugger…" was about all Ghis got out before Basch shot a bunch of fire from his hands and the courthouse blew up.

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**And so another chapter in this epic story comes to a close. Will our heroes avoid doing hard time? Will Mateus ever get better so we can focus on him again? Will Shantotto ever get anybody's name right? Will the candy machine from Chapter 1 make a reappearance? Why am I asking _you_ all these questions? Find out next time! (and remember to review this chapter)**


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter turned out a little more serious and angsty than funny, but there's still some good stuff in here. My ownership of copyrighted things is anything but absolute.

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****Chapter 9**

The incident managed to cool down in the month it took for everybody to recover. Chaos was stuck with a mountain of bills and community service. Jecht was under house arrest for the next few months in addition to a year of community service, but who cares about these lamers. Let's get back to that loveable dictator that everybody wants to see again.

"Must…get…stronger…than…Terra!" Mateus said, finishing his 10,000th push-up in the newly-constructed training room at the Chaos HQ. Ever since their humiliating defeat at the hands of Gum-E, the Dissidia warriors were all in training to "level up", as Chaos put it, and become better and stronger fighters. Of course, the others had a reasonable regimen. They trained for eight hours each day with an hour break every two hours and they took a day off every week. Mateus, on the other hand, trained all the time, like a man possessed (although even Sephiroth thought that he was taking it a bit far), until his weariness caused him to collapse on the training room floor in a puddle of his own sweat and other fluids best not specified (he _never_ stopped training, except to eat a candy bar and he did sit-ups while he did that), and he started training again the moment he woke up. CoD was worried about him, one of the few that was, but how could a dark spirit hope to get through the legendary pride of the lord of hell?

"Do you intend to return to the Void?" she asked, floating next to him with her arms crossed as he held onto a bar with his feet and fired mines at moving dummies of Firion, blowing out their crotches with ace precision as sweat trickled down, or rather, up, his perfect face.

"Let me alone, woman," he grumbled, falling to the floor a few yards below and landing on his hand, only to start doing one-handed push-ups. "My reign must be absolute! Nothing will stand in my way!"

"It is natural to feel humiliated at being rescued by a cowardly Esperkin," CoD nodded. "We all agree on that, but you are pushing yourself too hard,"

"If I cannot take this, than perhaps I deserve the taste of Hell!" he barked, giving her the clear message to leave him alone. She sighed and drifted out the door.

"In the kitchen, he may be faint of heart, but in combat, his heart brooks no equal," Golbez said reflectively as she came out of the room.

"Its not his heart that I dwell on," CoD muttered quietly. "It is his mind," Golbez, having discarded his armor today for his kilt outfit and giant sword, nodded his weathered, grey-haired head.

"Zappo!" Kefka blew up yet another tree and Kuja gave chase around the field of flowers.

"You're not getting away, uncouth jester!" he shouted, firing random balls after the crazy clown. Sephiroth sighed and sipped his tea with closed eyes, ignoring the others' antics. Ultimecia, Jecht, and, unbelievably, Exdeath, and, even more unbelievably, Garland, were playing a super version of volleyball, using a Huge Materia as a ball, as a normal ball would be destroyed by their powers (in fact, 230 balls had met this fate earlier that day).

"Good day," Golbez said to Sephiroth as he arrived, sitting down next to the leather-clad swordsman. The silver-haired man nodded to the grey-haired man and offered him a sandwich, with Golbez accepted gratefully. A chuckle escaped Sephiroth's lips as Jecht Ultimate Jecht Shot-ed Exdeath in the face and knocked him across the field, making a deep trench and incurring the wrath of the Entropic Adversary.

"Watch it, turtle!" he barked at a chuckling Jecht.

"Not my fault you can't handle this!" the blitz king replied, flexing his muscles. Exdeath suddenly popped up from a ring in front of him and batted him into the distance with his staff with a cry of "fore!". He flew off and became a star briefly in the distance before passing out of sight. Ultimecia sweatdropped and Garland clapped Exdeath on the shoulder, congratulating him for a good shot.

Golbez smiled and sipped at a cup of tea. Things were back to normal, more or less, and it was a lovely day out, despite their two absent comrades.

CoD had no desire to join in the others' picnic. She was weighed down by worry and guilt. She sat in her room and thought of the battle with Gum-E and wondered what she could have done differently. Of course, her bad mood was bringing the humor of the story down, so the author decided to make her go find something to do.

Gabranth, to say the least, was not very happy when Kefka and Kuja knocked over the tree that he was sitting under and crushed him with said tree.

"Hatred is what drives me!" he declared, putting on his helmet and chasing them around with his knife-thingies.

"So that's why she's not here…" Sephiroth concluded, having heard Golbez's story.

"Yes," Golbez replied. "While Mateus's training killing him is not really a concern, due to the magic of Chaos, if he loses his mind, he could be more than just a dangerous adversary…"

"Hmm…" the ex-General shut his eyes contemplatively, sipping his tea. "We can deal with this tomorrow, when our day off is done,"

"Very well," Golbez nodded. At this point, Jecht finally returned from his world circuit and landed in between Gabranth and his pursuers, creating a sizable trench. The judge and his quarry stopped and looked down into the trench to see if the blitz king was still able to move.

"Ow…" he grumbled, sitting up and cracking his neck with one hand. "Huh?" he looked at the numerous 1st place medals around his neck. "What the hell did I drink last night?"

Cosmos was very displeased that her new castle had been partially demolished and her crew had been spending every waking minute since their recovery on rebuilding it. WoL, knowing that they would need some reinforcements, called in a few other heroes to lighten the load.

"Shut the hell up!" Zell shouted at Seifer (who was actually more of a neutral than a hero), accidentally breaking yet another stack of 2-by-4s that they needed to fix something or another.

"Chicken-wuss!" Seifer repeated, leaning back slightly to avoid Zell's only out-of-battle punch combo.

"Can it, Seifer!" Quistis scolded, hitting them both with her whip. "Now get back to work or I'll make you eat some of my lunch again!" The two quickly complied, not wanting to have spider webs and dark matter for lunch again. "And Squall!" she turned to the lazy teen, who had his legs propped up on a table and was reading his emo book. "Why aren't you helping?"

"…" Squall replied eloquently, licking a finger and flipping a page.

"Squall!" Rinoa barked in his ear. He chucked his book through the ceiling and knocked out Zidane, causing him to fall to the ground with a pained grunt in the background. "Get over there and help your friends out!"

"Well, if it isn't the wind beneath my wings…" Squall grumbled under his breath.

"WHAT!" Rinoa roared.

"Nothing…" the SeeD Commander muttered and sulked over to where Seifer and Zell were hurriedly nailing boards together.

"Oh, Sephiroth…" a voice whispered creepily in the ex-SOLDIER's ear. It was a voice that he hadn't heard in years, a voice that he never wanted to hear again, a voice that if he heard it again, he would have to kill its owner slowly and painfully.

"Hojo!" he jumped away and pulled out his Masamune. The creepy scientist took little notice of the weapon and smiled a smile that would've made Lavos fly back into space in horror, a smile that would've made Time un-compress to get away from it, a smile that creeped Sephiroth so much the hell out that he couldn't form a coherent attack strategy.

"Daddy's back," the old man stated.

"Oh, so this is your father?" Golbez said interestedly, apparently unperturbed by the man's massive creepy levels that were off the charts.

"Unfortunately…" Sephiroth grumbled.

"Now, now, Sephiroth," Hojo said in what he thought was a disarming voice, but, instead, he just had an effect close to the brown note on anybody who wasn't too brain-dead or plain weird to be immune to his creepiness. "Let's hug and make up," He held his hands out.

"Hell, no!" Sephiroth took a step back. "I hate you! You made me into a freak! I want nothing to do with you!"

"Hug," Hojo insisted, coming towards his estranged son with arms wide. Sephiroth, so creeped out at this point, could do nothing except run for the hills with his dad chasing him, repeating "hug" over and over again.

"Even _my_ kid doesn't hate me that much!" Jecht declared loudly.

"Telegram," a moogle came up and gave Jecht a letter.

"For me?" Jecht took it. "From Tidus! Whoo-hoo, my son…" as he read it, his face drooped until it went over to anger. "…is trying to emasculate me! Damn him!" The Blitz King went into Ex mode and flew off in a rage. Curious, Exdeath picked up the telegram, ignoring the moogle as it kept its hand out, waiting for a tip.

"I don't get it. The turtle just insinuated that his father is a drunk, womanizing, ba-"

"Yes, that is odd," Golbez interrupted contemplatively.

"He's usually so proud of being those things…" Ultimecia sighed with a shrug.

"Yuffie…" Vincent muttered, hand on his forehead, for what had to be the 20th time in the past 30 minutes.

"What?" she asked with a deviously innocent look, having painted big, pink ponies on the wall of Cloud's room that they were supposed to be rebuilding.

"Cloud'll f'n kill ya if he f'n sees that s't!" Cid pointed out, blowing out a bunch of smoke.

"YUFFIE!" Cloud had just walked in the door.

"Eep!" and the ninja was off, down the home stretch, the ticked-off ex-SOLDIER-wannabe on her tail with the Ultima Weapon. She broke into a run and made it over a hill, Cloud swiftly following. There a was a loud crash and a piercing scream of "oh, my gawd, no!" and then silence before he came back with a bunch of blood all over him. Cid's jaw was on the floor as Cloud casually walked back past the incomplete wall and went to get a soda. Quickly picking his jaw up and replacing it, the pilot swore. Vincent merely ellipsed and went to retrieve the body, knowing she'd be back in an hour or so.

"My strength…is certain…" Mateus strained as he walked up an indoor hill (the room had been built with a hill in it, despite the contractors' protests) with a one ton weight on his back. "I know…no…such thing…as…DEFEAT!" The crazed emperor hurled the weight through the steel target at the top of the hill, reducing it to smithereens of scrap. Immediately, he put his hands on his knees, gasping for breath.

"Mateus! You can't keep this up!" CoD had returned, despite the prodding to go do something besides angst up the story.

"You underestimate me, woman?" he snapped, firing a Flare at her. She jumped back as it exploded against the ground, leaving a burn mark.

"No, but you're still a mortal being, endowed with Chaos magic and the gift of Hell, but mortal none-the-less!" she dodged another Flare. "Will you give up your mind for power?"

"What good is a mind that is in a weak body?" Mateus entered Ex Mode as an odd accessory appeared and attached itself to his arm.

_That's a Puppeteer's Wheel! _She gasped mentally. _But no one is controlling him…could his own pride be possessing him?_ She had no more time to think as a barrage of mines flew at her, exploding everywhere she could see. Quickly teleporting into the floor, she appeared a few feet away and loosed a blast of dark energy at him. Mateus performed one of his dodging pirouettes and countered with a high-velocity Flare spell that she flipped over as she loosed a Fullisade, which he dodged easily.

"Come forth, grotesque wraith!" the Emperor challenged as he summoned the Cyclone. "Come, and show me your strength, pathetic though it may be!" Even a sprit of destruction and darkness couldn't shake the negative feelings that came with having the person she cared for and respected most speak such words, but she knew that all darkness brought only power to those that admired the Void.

"My spirit seethes!" she shouted, the Flood of Darkness filling her. "UNLEASH THE SHADOWS!" She fired a massive beam at the Cyclone. The two attacks clashed with sonic booms and other noises of wrenching and scraping; ex energy flew everywhere from the impact point. Finally, a massive explosion threw them both into opposite walls of the training room. Luckily, the room was designed to withstand the warriors' powers so only the equipment within and the hill were destroyed. Mateus quickly exploded out of the wall in a burst of hellfire and roared in rage, Omni Air Dashing across the room. CoD watched him come with her limbs embedded in the wall but, before he could slam his staff through her, she vanished and reappeared behind him. "Perish!" she screamed, firing an O-Beam at his back at practically point-blank.

"Ungaaah!" he exclaimed as he was blasted deeper into the thick wall. CoD flew back a ways and took a defensive position, watching carefully for any signs of movement or magic. Suddenly, several streaks of light flew out of the hole in the wall and shot all over the room. She looked around and saw they were all fast-moving mines. They all stopped in a large, spherical perimeter around her. The Emperor burst out of the wall, his hand raised and his smirk triumphant.

_There's nowhere to escape to!_ CoD realized with distress. Even a teleport would be intercepted at these proximities.

"Run amok!" he declared, clenching his fist and setting off a chain of no less than 100 explosions. At length, the dust cleared and there was no sign of CoD. He allowed himself another smirk, satisfied that he had won. Suddenly, two snakes shot out of a dark portal in the wall and he was jerked back as CoD rushed forward. Her knee collided excruciatingly with his back, resulting in a painful cracking noise.

"Victory…" she whispered in his ear as his face wore a look of shock. "How ridiculous," She slammed him into the floor hard enough to crack it and then followed up with an O-Beam, blasting him further into the reinforced magicite. Mateus groaned as he laid in the rubble, reverting from Ex mode as the Puppeteer's Wheel began to disintegrate.

"Do not…look down on me…" the mighty ruler said painfully as CoD landed at his side, back in her normal form.

"I do not, nor ever have I," she said soothingly, putting a potion to his lips. He drank the bitter fluid with distaste and felt his wounds heal, but he was tired, more tired than he could ever remember feeling. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment before looking at the woman he respected and admired. "How long…have I been training?" he asked quietly.

"25 days, since this room was completed," she replied softly, hating to see the mighty warrior in such a state. His pride was also hurting badly at the moment, but he shoved it aside, a feat in and of itself. Perhaps he had grown stronger, after all.

"Ahhh!" Jecht was forcefully hurled back into the Chaos Shrine, via the front doors.

"You are still under house arrest, now stay!" Zargabaath yelled, walking off. The others came walking in soon after, Kuja, Kefka, Golbez, Ultimecia, and Exdeath all laughed at his expense, Sephiroth still fleeing his dad in areas that only Chaos and Cosmos could locate readily.

"Shut up!" the Blitz King demanded, running off to get drunk in his room.

"Perhaps the court aught have thought up a better alternative than an electrified anklet for his containment…" Gabranth pondered aloud, balancing his helmet under an arm. The others decided to head over to the kitchen to start the fiasco associated with supper every day. Kefka, around this point, decided to steal Kuja's feathers and run off with them.

"Return those at once, jester!" the monkey-mage demanded, flying after him and shooting balls everywhere. Garland shook his head and went to go apply for more home insurance, knowing it was useless to try and interfere. Golbez, Gabranth, Ultimecia, and Exdeath continued into the kitchen, where they found CoD cooking some soup on the stove.

"How is Mateus, Cloud of Darkness?" Golbez asked.

"He is resting," she replied before relaying the story of the battle earlier and the Puppeteer's Wheel's unexplained appearance.

"Turtle!" Exdeath suddenly shouted, having sat down in Ultimecia's chair by mistake and, naturally, it had crumpled to dust under his tremendous armored bulk.

"That is my chair, imbecile!" she roared (which, coming from her, still wasn't too loud) before freezing time and hitting Exdeath with one of Garland's spare spear-sword-katana-thingies about 100 times and knocking him through a wall. CoD, Gabranth, and Golbez were all shocked to see an Exdeath-shaped hole suddenly appear in the wall as they blinked and Ultimecia was suddenly very sweaty and breathing heavily.

"Yet more things for me to repair," the Judge Magister sighed, putting a hand to his forehead and going to get a spare chair, as well as some wall materials and wall cement.

"No, Vaan, just carry-" Balthier didn't get to finish before the paint cans smashed into the ladder that Basch was on to patch the wall. He gave a cry of,

"Oh, crap!" before falling hard on the floor and causing Penelo to jump out of the way, in turn knocking Ashe over a nearby couch which, in turn, caused Fran to take a heeled boot to the face and growl in a feral way as her nose was bloodied by the blow.

"Nice one, Vaan," the smooth sky pirate sighed, irritated, with an 'oh, well' shrug of his hands and arms.

"Try to grow up, please," Penelo added, chucking a paintbrush, which bounced off his head with a dull thunk, at her friend. At that moment, Larsa decided to come in with some tacos. Looking around at the aftermath of the chaos, he turned to Balthier.

"Did I miss something?"

"No, nothing of great import," the well-dressed pirate replied, taking the bag of tacos and passing them out to everyone, except Vaan. "Perhaps you will listen next time you're given an order," he said, giving Vaan's extra taco to Basch while the boy fumed. Penelo took extra relish in eating extra slowly in front of him and gave him a look that clearly said "told ya so". It wasn't five minutes before he tackled her and ran off down the hall with her food while she ran after him, shouting random insults.

* * *

**Was the thing with the Puppeteer's Wheel the beginning of a new problem, or just a random thing that happened? Will Cosmos's castle ever get rebuilt? Find out next time. And review on what you think.**


	10. Chapter 10

**The site is really uncooperative today, must hate chapter 10 of any story. Anyway, hope you enjoy this and I still own nothing!**

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Chapter 10

The Chaos group's training regimen was back on the next day, however Mateus was outright banned from training for a day. Surprisingly, he took it rather well and was content to stay in bed and watch cartoons and sip at ginger ale. This actually made a thought occur to Golbez, who was back in his armor today, but the alternate costume with the cooler cape.  
"I don't know how we manage to keep our fighting shape up," he mused to Exdeath. "Our diet contains an appalling amount of sugar,"

"Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath replied, wolfing down a box of sugary granola bars in an attempt to look like he was eating healthier for the training, a trick everyone had taken up.

"Since when did anything about this play make sense?" Kuja asked, floating down beside Golbez and giving a sweep of his arm. "You may stand here and twitter all you wish, but soon the canaries must fly to the department store and pick up some new training equipment,"

"…Very well," the ebony-clad moon-man replied, a bit put off by the monkey-mage's odd way of talking.

Okay, so I lied, the training room was a wreck after the little "sparring match" that Mateus had initiated with CoD the previous day. So it was off to Rift Depot (really fast voice from nowhere: Rift Depot is legally distinct from Home Depot™ and is in no way a cheap equivalent, like you usually see on cartoons [or is it?]), to get some things that you wouldn't find in a regular department store, like reinforced magicite and Cosmos-gang-shaped dummies to blow up.

"All right, listen up, pitiful insects," the Emperor said in his oh-so-self-important way that everyone has to love, as he held up a list in front of him. Did I mention that he was allowed to come on the trip? Well, actually, he didn't even ask, he just popped up in front of them the minute they walked in the door. "Gabranth will fetch the reinforced magicite, as he knows the most about it,"

"Actually…" Gabranth interrupted. "I only worked for an empire that studied-"

"CoD and I will search for the Cosmos dummies and get extra Firions," Mateus interrupted.  
"Exdeath-"

"Turtle!" the tree-mage thing interrupted.

"Exdeath-"

"Turtle!" he interrupted again. Mateus fixed him with a glare that clearly dared him to do that again.

"Exdeath will-"

"Tur-" the giant armored turtle-lover was sent flying with a lunar rock to the entire body and flew over to a china shop, smashing everything and getting set up with a 2 billion gil bill.

"Thank you, Golbez," Mateus gave him a nod and went back to the list. "Kuja will get-"

"Zappo!" Kefka blew up a pile of sacks of fertilizer on the wordy mage and covered him in crap from head to pointy boot.

"Uncouth oaf!" Kuja went into Ex mode. "Let me play your melody!" Kefka bounced outside with Kuja hot on his tail. There was a moment of silence, followed by a huge explosion that knocked over Chaos as he walked by with a cake.

"What the-AGH!" face full of cake, had he. He flamed over to the two mages, making it obvious that he still hadn't gone to a dentist since his last appearance, as he barred his horribly crooked teeth. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF PUTTING CAKE IN THE GOD OF DISCORD'S FACE?"

"All right, then," Mateus said, supremely looking bored with this turn of events. "Let's see, we're down Exdeath, Kefka, Kuja, Jecht-"

"I'm right here!" the blitz king shouted unnecessarily, beating a fist to his bronzed chest.

"Aren't you under house arrest?" Golbez pointed out.

"You can't hide this-" he made a muscle pose. "-from the world!" Everyone sweatdropped.

"Yes, well…" Mateus raised a perfect eyebrow. "Anyway, back to-"

"Hide me!" Sephiroth came running in the doors and dove behind a shovel display, looking very uncharacteristically frightened. His appearance was totally disheveled. The long, silver hair that he prided himself in was frizzed at the edges and his green eyes were bloodshot. Dirt adorned his features and his coat was barely on his person, having lost a clip or two.

"Sephiroth! You look terrible," CoD pointed out.

"It's that darned Hojo," he shuddered, hugging the shovel display. "I separated myself from him for a reason…"

"Geez, even my son doesn't-"

"Yes, yes, we know," Mateus brushed him aside. "Now let me finish with the list,"

"Who died and made him boss?" Jecht grumbled as he and Sephiroth walked down the isle that held super-reinforced exercise machines.

"No, dad, get away from me with those shoes," the ex-General replied shaking and his gaze twitching from side to side like someone on crack.

"Are you serious?" Jecht cracked his neck and tried to think of a way to help the silver-haired swordsman calm down. Of course this caused him to start to address his problems with his own son and that just depressed him.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the store, Cecil, Bartz, and Zidane were shopping for more 2-by-4s and other cuts of boards so that they could continue the repairs on Cosmos Castle.

"Hey, Bartz, look at me!" Zidane said from inside a pile of boards he had made to resemble a tree. "I'm Exdeath! Mwa, ha, ha!" Bartz cracked up.

"That's exactly his character!" Zidane cracked up too and the pile of boards fell with a loud crash that made the department manager come running over.

"What are you doing, hooligans?" he jumped up and down in his rusty armor, which he'd just added a tie to in a poor attempt to look the part of manager.

"Hey, Rusty!" Zidane greeted cheerfully, getting up from the mess. "How's it shakin'?"

"You!" Steiner jumped up and down some more. "I should have known you were behind this debacle!"

"Hey, Zidane, who's this?" Bartz asked, looking at the rusty knight.

"Ah, it's some guy I met on a previous adventure," the monkey-thief explained dismissively with a matching gesture.

"I'M NOT 'SOME GUY'!" Steiner raged, shaking with…rage. "I AM THE QUEEN OF ALEXANDRIA'S HEAD OF THE KNIGHTS OF PLUTO! CAPTAIN ADELBERT STEINER!"

"Aka Rusty," Zidane added snidely.

"YOU!" the hot-headed knight lunged at Zidane, but he just jumped up and grabbed a shelf with his tail.

"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!" he taunted, sticking out his tongue.

"Come down here this instant!" Steiner demanded, jumping up and down with many clinking noises.

What sort of knight is this? He is very improper. Cecil thought with a bit of alarm as they proceeded to demolish most of the isle.

"You show him, Zidane!" Bartz cheered, casually sidestepping a shelf that fell. Cecil wasn't so lucky, being lost in thoughts, and was trapped underneath.

"Ahh! A little help!" he shouted.

"Very well," the shelf levitated off of Cecil and fell somewhere nearby.

"My leg!" some random guy shouted.

"Brother!" Cecil got up with a beaming smile. "Thank you!"

"Think nothing of it," Golbez replied, happy, as always, when Cecil called him brother. "But I would stop your comrades from creating such a ruckus before it attracts the attention of my own,"

"The Chaos crew is here, as well?" Cecil asked as a pile of boards fell on Steiner in the background, much to his anger. It was a surprise he hadn't burst a blood vessel yet.

"Yes, you see…" Golbez explained the whole story about the new training regimen, the incident with Mateus and the repairs to the training room.

"That's a tale worth remembering," Cecil said finally. "I just hope it isn't a sign of things to-" Yet another sentence was interrupted as the store manager came by and dragged off Steiner, Zidane, and Bartz to her office.

"But, Beatrix, he was-!"

"We can discuss it in my office, Steiner," she said coldly, obviously very ticked. You could practically hear her battle music playing. Oh, it actually was playing over the PA.

"Ow, that's my ear!" Zidane whined pitifully.

"And I'll be calling her Majesty about you," the General added darkly.

"No! Don't tell Dagger!" he begged as they passed out of hearing range.

"This, too, is destiny," Golbez commented.

"I have to agree," Cecil…agreed.

"There!" WoL took a step back to admire his handiwork. "Another wall is complete,"

"I too have-" White Mage of Light's comment was cut off when Black Mage of Light blew a hole in the wall.

"Ha, ha, ha!" he laughed before getting a pointy-toed boot to the face.

"We're supposed to be fixing the castle, not destroying it further!" WoL scolded. "And where is Thief of Light?"

"Here I am!" ToL came in with his pockets suspiciously full. "And I haven't been stealing again, if that's what you're wondering,"

"We can see the evidence of your sins in the bulges of your pockets," WMoL pointed out.

"Shut up for a minute, WMoL! All your righteousness is starting to annoy me!" BMoL snapped, making WMoL start crying.

"Now look what you've done!" WoL yelled, going over to comfort his comrade. "You and ToL go to the training room until this is over," The two immediately obeyed, muttering curses.

"I think that's got it!" Firion said with satisfaction, looking over the furniture he'd just finished arranging.

"You're quite talented at this," Maria commented.  
"Gus agree!" Gus…concurred.

"What are you talking about?" Edgar came flying into the room, followed by Locke.

"All I'm saying is that you better stop hitting on Terra or there'll be trouble," the thief replied threateningly, neither seeming to notice the other people in the room.

"Well, maybe I want trouble," Edgar challenged, standing defiantly with his fists clenched.

"Then you're gonna get trouble," Locke retorted.

"No, you're gonna get trouble," Edgar rejoined.

"Good, good, 'cause I want trouble," Locke said back.

"Then we agree there'll be trouble," Edgar replied threateningly.

"Oh, yeah, lot's of trouble," Locke responded in a menacing fashion.

"Trouble it is!" Edgar retorted about to leave the room through another door.

"For you!" Locke added before going out through the door he was in. Edgar thought for a second and then uttered,

"D'oh!" and stomped out. There was a moment of silence.  
"What was that about?" Maria wondered aloud.

"Who knows? Let's just go find something else to do," Firion replied.

"Gus want lunch," Gus informed them.

"Lunch first, then," Firion agreed as they headed for the dining room.

"This is barely amusing," Mateus grumbled, or as close to grumbling as he could, anyway.

"These manikins have doubled in price since last we visited," CoD agreed.

"Oh…" he tilted his head slightly in a haughty manner. "These are animatronics, similar to what we used in the war,"

(flashback)

Mateus watched as his manikin kicked Firion in the crotch.

"It's always the crotch!" the would-be rebel yelled in agony, lying on the floor in a ball and clutching the area.

(end flashback)

"Well, they do have AI that imitates whoever it is copying well," CoD commented, also remembering and looking at the instruction booklet.

"Very well, let us get a few,"

"You!"

"You!"

"Hey, look, Basch! It's your brother!" Vaan exclaimed, pointing out the obvious, as the two twins had just shouted at each other in recognition.

I don't recall Reks being so naïve…Basch thought. "Noah, why are you here?"

"The same reason you are, Basch," Gabranth put on his helmet to hide his blush at being called by the name he no longer owned (at least that's what he said to help him sleep at night). "I require reinforced magicite to repair a room,"

"Well, we're building a training room with it," Vaan admitted openly to the enemy. Balthier, who, until this point, had hovered outside the conversation, and Basch gave him a look. "Right, Basch?" the kid added, ignoring the pointed looks that clearly said 'ix-nay'.

So they're planning to step up their training too…this is something that Chaos will wish to know. Gabranth thought. "Well, I picked what I want and am now going to arrange to have it delivered. Good day," He walked off.

"Nice one, Vaan," Balthier scolded with a shrug.

"What did I do?" Vaan protested, looking crestfallen.

"The fact that you don't know makes it worse," the sky pirate said with fingers to his forehead.

"Whoo-hoo!" Selphie hopped up and down in excitement.

"What is it, Selph?" Irvine said in a cool fashion as he walked over to her. She held up a rapid-mail mooglegram that a moogle had just given her.

"The rest of the supplies are coming in a few minutes! We can finally finish this training room!" she gestured to the half-built room around them. By coincidence or design, it resembled the Chaos training room, with the exception of the hill inside (evidently, Cosmos's contractor actually had some brains).

"OH, YEAH!" Zell punched the air. "LET'S FINISH THIS, BABY!"

"Quiet down, chicken-wuss," Seifer grumbled, nursing his whip wounds that Quistis has given him for his lip. Squall just flipped a page in his emo book that he never seemed to finish. Rinoa, as was her wont, was absent until she needed to force Squall to do something.

It was upon the 15th hour of that day that Mateus, CoD, Golbez, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Jecht, and Gabranth returned to Chaos Shrine with their budget much compromised. After a quick lunch of whatever was laying around the kitchen or fridge, they met the supply delivery guy at the door and began work on the training room. The author, who knew little about building or repairing rooms, much less ones made of fictional materials, decided to attempt to think of some jokes to throw in. Sephiroth was not at hand to help, as he had to retire to bed due to being traumatized. Ultimecia decided to go to his room and comfort him however she could. Needless to say, Mateus was unhappy about this, even more so because CoD and Golbez outright refused to let him lift anything heavy or do much more than paint. Jecht was no help.

"I could do all of it on my own!" he declared, picking up a ton of magicite and carrying it over to a hole in the wall to patch it up. Putting it down, he did a muscle pose. "How strong can a guy get?" Mateus grimaced in annoyance and chucked a paint can at the pompous blitzer, clocking him in the head and causing a lump to form.

"What the hell?" he barked, looking for who did it. All three of the others ignored him, giving him no clue. Miffed, the blitz king opened a can of sealant patch stuff and started filling the hole in the wall. Mateus chucked a nearby canteen at him after a moment, hitting him in the back. Jecht spun around menacingly. "Who keeps doin' that?" he demanded. No clues were forthcoming, so he slowly turned again. CoD chuckled, as did Mateus, at how funny it was to pelt the old bronze Adonis. They continued working for a few minutes, until Jecht let his guard down again, then Mateus pelted him with some wadded up candy wrappers.

"Hey!" he spun around. "Cut it out or this room's gonna need more fixin'!" The others ignored him, suppressing laughs, and continued work. Annoyed, quite, now, Jecht went back to work and finished repairing the hole. "There we are, good as new," Golbez summoned a number of small lunar rocks and Mateus took them all in his hands, chucking them at the blitz king as he turned to announce how awesome he was. "Ow, ow, ow!" he Jecht-Blocked most of them. The others burst out laughing at his expression. "Is this pelt-Jecht-with-stuff-day?" he roared.

"No," Golbez said between laughs. "That is next week,"

"You jerks!" Jecht growled. "You can fix the room by yourself," He stormed out of the room. Mateus's laughs died down enough for him to comment.

"That was quite the performance…and absolutely worth it,"

* * *

**Hmm...where is this story going, you ask? Well, after they get everything fixed, I'm sure that they'll discover a new threat, hopefully one that's humorous but still including cool fight scenes. Review and tune in next time to see what happens.**


	11. Chapter 11

**It sure has been awhile, hasn't it? Anyway, I finally got a bit of inspiration while listening to Cantata Mortis and God in Fire about 12 times and reading the comments about them on youtube so, now that I've played Dissidia 012, I can make some more jokes at the game's expense! Yay! I own nothing!**

* * *

**Chapter 11: Assisted Chaos**

Mateus's eyebrows rose as he looked at his full-plate clad ally.

"What in the bloody blazes of hell is an Assist?" he asked in his usual haughty manner.

"It's a way for us to join forces!" Garland replied with too much enthusiasm, leveling a nearby table by slamming his fist into it. "Whoops…" he added, making a mental note to dock everyone else's pay to purchase a replacement.

"That's all well and good…" Kuja said conceitedly. "But I have just one question. Why are we meeting in _my _room?" Most of the rather girly furniture had already been demolished by the over enthused ex-knight and the crazy clown wannabe. The latter of which, in fact, was currently eating a bowl of waxed fruit.

"Because you're a turtle!" Exdeath interjected. "Mwa, ha, ha!" Kuja gave him a distasteful look and crossed his arms with a huff as he sat down in midair. Gabranth gave a sigh and rolled his eyes.

"That's good and all but what about the destruction?" Kefka interjected, spraying Cloud of Darkness with bits of wax fruit, earning him a glare and subtle kick to the groin with her clawed feet.

"Much destruction is possible with Assists!" Garland continued eagerly as the crooked clown rolled on the floor, clutching his junk pile. "One-on-one duels are a thing of the past! Now we can call in an ally to attack the enemy by surprise!"

"Have we ever actually used one-on-one battle tactics before?" Golbez asked contemplatively.

"So far, we've always teamed up on the enemy," Ultimecia added. "This talk of Assists seems like a waste of time,"

"Shut up! Assists are great!" Garland protested angrily, knocking over Kuja's china cabinet with a cavalcade of breaking china. The monkey mage promptly turned red and the group was promptly thrown out of the room, smashing into Jecht, as he turned up drunk and late for the meeting, and through the wall opposite the room, into Exdeath's quarters.

"And stay out!" Kuja screeched, slamming his door shut.

"Did I miss something?" Sephiroth ventured flatly as he stopped near the villain pileup.

"Nothing out of the ordinary," Mateus grumbled, getting to his feet and brushing off his purple outfit.

"That outfit still makes you look like a turtle!" Exdeath teased from his prone position on the floor.

"This rhetoric spews from the gob of a dog that cannot lift himself off of his back without the assistance of others," Gabranth commented eloquently.

"Someone please get him the hell off!" Jecht wheezed, his muscular Adonis body only barely holding up Exdeath's one ton bulk enough to let the Blitz King breathe.

"Very well," Golbez lifted Exdeath back to his feet with his gravity controlling powers, allowing a partially crushed Jecht to get gratefully to his feet.

"Jeez! You could've squeezed the life out of me!" the aged blitzer declared. "And where would the team be without the Great Jecht?"

"In a team with much less alcohol," Chaos intoned slowly, walking down the hall, leaving scrape marks on the walls because of his wings and befouling the air with his bad teeth. "Now, go to the training room and practice Assists. I won't have Cosmos outdoing me again,"

"I'll beat you there, turtles!" Exdeath shouted, disappearing in a ring of light.

"Not on my watch," Golbez vanished in a burst of dark lightning.

"Time!" Ultimecia froze time and flew down the hall, stopping briefly to draw graffiti on Gabranth before heading to the training room.

"She used her time abilities!" CoD said, noticing the witch's sudden disappearance. "We are not happy with this cheating!" She sank into a portal in the floor. Mateus sighed, putting a hand to his perfect forehead, as Jecht took off at a sprint.

"Why must I be paired with such insects?" he sighed, leisurely floating away down the hall.

"Gabranth…why do you have…'I am stoopid' painted on your chest plate?" Chaos asked, pointing a clawed finger at the judge's chest.

"Oh, for the love of-"

* * *

"Good! Everyone is here, except the judge and the monkey!" Garland declared. Somehow, he had managed to even beat Ultimecia to the training room, although no one had noticed him leave earlier. After Ultimecia had attempted to figure this out for a moment, they all decided to ignore it. Sephiroth gave a derisive sniff, as though this was a waste of his time. Granted, he never really did anything except walk around and act cool when he wasn't teasing Cloud, but he, apparently, thought that he needed to be off doing that. Ultimecia and Kefka smirked at the ex-knight's comment, and then the latter began laughing like a maniac. After swiftly clubbing him in the head, causing him to smash into the floor in a wall rush fashion, Garland continued. "Okay! Split into groups of four! Two fighters and two Assists. Each person's Assist will help them and only them and only when called,"

"Quick question, O self-declared leader," Sephiroth said in a bored fashion. "There are nine of us. That means that one person will be left out,"

"I will supervise!" the walking suit of plate mail declared.

"Of course you will…" the ex-SOLDIER muttered, considering, as he often did, killing himself. He then remembered that Chaos would just revive him and discarded the idea.

* * *

"Assists are a very important part of battle," WoL announced to his assorted allies. Today, Lightning, Kain, Laguna, Tifa, Vaan, and Yuna were with them on their first official day as regular members of the group. Cosmos, you see, had thought that they didn't have enough people on the team, so she hired six more regulars. Most of the group had accepted the decision, but that didn't mean that everyone was getting along. "When allies are present, they can attack the enemy at your call, providing invaluable support that alters the nature of…yes, Cloud?"

"Do we even need to hear this?" the spiky-haired swordsman muttered. "We've fought together before,"

"This is exactly the attitude that can cost you a battle!" WoL snapped. "We must train hard to master this new technique!" He walked over to the door of their makeshift briefing room, aka the dining room. "I expect all of you in the training room in ten minutes," He left.

"Hmph," Lightning uncrossed her arms and left. Squall had a similar sentiment, but he stayed where he was and flipped a page in his emo book (Emo Mercenaries 2: The Sequel) while shifting his feet slightly on the table.

"Okay! Let's go for the next one!" Laguna declared with his usual amiable fervor, dashing out of the room.

"C'mon, little bro!" Vaan added, grabbing a very unhappy OK by the arm and dragging him out after the silly gunman. The little knight shot a pleading look at Terra before he was dragged around the corner.

"Their levity is reprehensible," Kain grumbled, trooping out of the room with Cecil.

"Well, at least they have camaraderie," Cecil replied to his best friend in an attempt at consolation.

"Tch," Kain rolled his eyes.

"Well, come on," Cloud said shortly, taking Terra by the hand and leading her for the door. "We shouldn't keep him waiting. The Esperkin was about to reply when Tidus and Yuna burst by, followed by Zidane and Bartz, brash as ever. Shantotto strutted past after that.

"Stand aside. Foolish cretins, I cannot abide," she ordered arrogantly. Cloud sighed and put his free hand to his head.

"Cloud…" he turned to see Tifa's jealous face.

"Oh, Tifa, hey," he said coolly. "What's up?"

"You know well what's up!" she poked him in the chest. "Cavorting around with this girl while I was home without you! Hmph!" she stormed out.

"I feel for you, man, really," Squall said flatly, licking a finger and turning another page. "My girlfriend is a real witch, in the literal and figurative sense," Cloud gave a derisive sniff and led Terra out of the room. Firion came into the room shortly after everyone left through the opposite door.

"I thought there was a meeting here," he commented. Squall ignored him and turned a page. Shrugging, the weapon master went over to the fridge and pulled out a can of cola.

* * *

Mateus put a hand to his forehead for the tenth time in the last quarter hour as Exdeath, once again, jumped in to Assist him against CoD (quickly disproving Garland's comment about having to call an Assist), but, once again, got decked by a snake to the face, despite the tornado around his person. Quickly dodging a few fireballs from Kefka, CoD's Assist, he smacked the clown in the face, causing what Garland called an Assist Break (Mateus called it being dazed for a minute from being smacked after pulling of a single attack and then standing there for a good few seconds with your guard down), and deflected a weak laser from CoD.

"Ow! Watch it!" Garland shouted, rubbing the scored spot where his helmet had been struck.

Sephiroth narrowly avoided Golbez's Genesis Rock and Jecht's fierce kick combo. Summoning Ultimecia, he managed to interrupt the moon man's attack and sent him crashing to the floor with a bunch of spear holes in his cape. Jecht quickly jumped out of the fight before Sephiroth could hit him, so the ex-General settled for plummeting, blade-first, at his opponent. Right before he hit, though, Jecht jumped back in and Jecht Blocked the attack, allowing Golbez to jump up, flip away, and counter with an upwards laser as the Masamune was deflected away. Ultimecia showed up, shoving Sephiroth out of the way, and got herself Assist Broken. The silver-haired warrior took this opportunity to slash Jecht across the face, sending him smashing into a wall and Assist Breaking him before pulling off an Octaslash that sent Golbez crashing on top of him.

"Son of a-" Jecht shouted, muffled, from inside the wall.

"I'm a cut above you," Sephiroth announced, performing his victory pose.

"My own darkness blinded me," Golbez muttered, falling out of the wall and to his knees.

"Whatever…just get me out of here!" Jecht bellowed, flailing his visible foot. Garland strode over, ducking another laser, and seized him by the foot, pulling him out the wall brutally and almost dislocating a hip.

"I'm gonna go lie down…" Jecht grumbled after being dropped on the floor, starting to crawl towards the exit…only to be promptly smashed by Gilgamesh as he made a dramatic arrival from the roof.

"The famed swordsman has arrived!" the dorky guy announced as cheesy music played from nowhere and confetti fell from the same unknown place.

"Get the hell off!" the Blitz King roared, in immense agony.

* * *

Ignoring the fact that their training room was only half-done, WoL plowed on with his speech when everyone had assembled for his little session. Prishe was missing, but no one seemed to notice or care at the moment. Of course, they were all rather bored or exited, so it couldn't be helped.

"Assists allow us to call forth allies in battle to deal a sneak attack on our opponent or block a fatal strike," the adamant de facto leader said in his usual fashion. "I'll split up into pairs, now, so that you all can practice," He started to walk among the group, at least half of which looked very unenthusiastic about this whole thing. Squall and Lightning were the prominent among these, as they were sitting on the nearest benches; the former was still reading and the latter was looking like she was all that and crossing her arms and legs. "Onion Knight and Firion, your Assists will be Zidane," OK moaned. "And Cecil will be yours, Firion,"

After a while more, they were divided into teams. Since three were the odd number out, WoL omitted himself, Lightning, and Squall, as he was supervising and the other two wouldn't move for the life of him. In fact, one of his helmet's horns was now missing because of Lightning's response to his order.

Tifa and Cloud rushed at each other. The spiky-haired swordsman took a swipe at her, but she Somersaulted over it and smacked him in the face.

"Don't move!" she shot down with her body in flames and grabbed him, slamming into the ground, but Bartz caught him and knocked Tifa away. Tidus suddenly appeared next to Cloud and kicked him in the face, springing away, and firing several streams of energy at him. He was promptly blown up and slammed into a nearby wall, winded. Tifa angrily performed a dropping kick at him, but he dodged out of the way and hit her with his sword, sending her careening into the floor with, miraculously, no visible damage. This seemed to happen all the time, but no one ever seemed to question it, so they just rolled with this break in physics.

"Cloud…" Tifa growled, standing and taking her stance again with a grimace. "I hate you!"

"What?" Cloud muttered as a red aura appeared around her.

"Take off!" she shot up at him, launched by a dolphin and a jet of water, fist outstretched. He blocked it with the broad blade of his Buster Sword and she bounced back, but recovered instantly, equipping the Premium Heart and going into Ex Mode.

"Tifa!" WoL shouted over the din of the others' battles. "Take it easy! We're only practicing Assists!" The fighter ignored him and started kicking wildly at Cloud forcing him to dodge and call in Bartz to attack her. She swiftly blocked him and grabbed the mimic by the leg, hurtling him bodily into a wall and Assist Breaking him, if not breaking every bone in his body.

"Tifa!" the others were now noticing that something was wrong as she began to spam her Rolling Blaze repeatedly, forcing Cloud to dodge over and over again.

"What's that?" Terra yelled fearfully, pointing at the glowing, pulsing accessory that was attached to Tifa's upper arm.

"That's a…" Vaan looked at Terra, blanching, and then back to Tifa as she viciously smashed her fists into Cloud's sword, creating mini-explosions and shockwaves and forcing him to slide back with each hit.

"I…hate…you…Cloud…Strife!" Tifa's voice began to distort as she kept pounding the Premium Heart against the Buster Sword, which was beginning to crack under the strain.

"That's a Puppeteer's Wheel!" Prishe shouted from the doorway.

"Impossible!" Shantotto turned to her student. "That someone here would control that girl is improbable,"

"No, I saw that on Terra, Cloud of Darkness put one on her to control her," OK affirmed grimly.

"And Kefka did the same thing," Vaan added. "I was there,"

"In that case, we must fight the blaze," Shantotto turned back to the battle. "Cloud! Destroy her fury with your own, do not tarry!" Cloud grunted as he dodged out of the way, causing Tifa to punch a wall, demolishing it with her suddenly massive power.

"There goes the food budget," Squall commented from behind his book.

"Tifa, I'll stop this," Cloud equipped the Ultima Weapon and entered Ex Mode.

"Die, Cloud!" the fighter screamed, shooting towards him with a flaming, outstretched leg. Rolling out of the way, he struck her twice and then let loose with Omnislash Version 5, running through her several times before slamming her into the ground.

"No hard feelings," he muttered as she reverted from her Ex Mode, the Premium Heart vanishing, and the Puppeteer's Wheel disintegrated.

"Get her to her room," WoL ordered. "That's all the training for today," Bartz and Tidus quickly jogged over and gently lifted the woman and carried her out of the room. "You all do what you want for the rest of the day, I must consult with Cosmos," He turned, swinging his cape dramatically, and left the room at a brisk walk.

* * *

"What could have caused this?" Firion said quietly, later, in Terra's bedroom.

"The Puppeteer's Wheel appears when someone is controlling someone, or when they are feeling an immense amount of a negative emotion," Prishe explained, having learned from Shantotto already. "Did ya do somethin' to make the lady mad, Spiky?" Cloud looked up from Tifa's healed but still unconscious face but didn't reply.

"She was jealous that he had been hanging out with me," Terra replied in his stead.

"She must really have loved him for that jealousy to turn to such hate," Kain noted from his spot on the wall, where he usually leaned, whether there was ever a chair at hand or not.

"People all have their own problems," Lightning commented shortly.

"So you think that we should just ignore it?" Cecil began hotly.

"If you want to pry, go ahead, I'm staying out of it," the gunblade commando huffed impatiently, leaving her own patch of wall and exiting the chamber. The knight glared after her.

"Who'd wanna do this to such a pretty lady?" Zidane muttered, slouched on the floor with Bartz.

"Better not let Dagger hear that," Bartz said snidely.

"Hark who's talking, Bartz," Zidane teased back. "How's Lenna?" Bartz flushed slightly.

"How'd you know about her?" he asked, genuinely shocked.

"I talked to Galuf the other day, you know, while everyone was fixing the castle?" the monkey thief revealed snidely.

"That old man!" Bartz frowned.

* * *

"I do not know what could have caused this," Cosmos shook her head as WoL massaged her feet. "Make sure you get the toes," she added.

"Yes, Cosmos," WoL muttered, adjusting his hands.

"You should use caution, though, as you investigate this…" the goddess of harmony continued. "I sense something far more wicked than Chaos or any of his minions behind all of this…"

* * *

**Well, it looks like the Puppeteer's Wheel is part of something bigger, after all. What, you ask? I don't know, either. This wasn't originally where this chapter was going, but my computer died so I wrote this on the family one. I think that the next chapter should be funny, if all goes to plan. Please remember to review this.**


	12. Chapter 12

**And here's the next day. Lame references and high tempers galore! I own nothing!**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Blitzball, Sport of Kings**

After patching up Jecht and listening to Gilgamesh apologize several times, Garland called the group back to the grind.

"No," Sephiroth said point blank.

"What?" Garland raged.

"Your training is a waste of time," Ultimecia agreed. "We should do something else with our day,"

"I agree," Mateus sat down in midair, putting a hand with curled fingers to his cheek and leaning on it. "You may continue, if you wish, but I refuse to continue practicing something that is only of moderate use," Garland began to shake in a Barret-esque fashion when Kuja came soaring in.

"I know what we can do!" he said excitedly. "Let's go to the opera! _Oh, Maria _is playing this week!"

"No thanks, I had enough of that last time I heard it," Kefka disagreed in his calm voice, which was actually creepier than his crazy voice, as it indicated that he was liable to explode, usually.

"How about _I want to be Your Canary_?" the monkey mage plowed on.

"Love stories? Hate 'em!" Kefka made a shooing gesture.

"How about blitzball?" Jecht suggested from his bed. "I hate watching other people play, but I can get us free tickets,"

"Very well, that is acceptable," Golbez agreed.

"Turtle!" Exdeath…said.

"Fine! Blow off training!" Garland growled. He was ignored.

* * *

"I know what we can do today!" Tidus shouted as he, Zidane, Bartz, and Kain sat in the sitting room with Squall in the corner with his new book (Emo Mercenaries 3: The Prequel). "Let's go see a blitzball game! I'm an ace, so I can get free tickets!"

"Your levity is still reprehensible," Kain commented moodily. "But I suppose it would be nice to get out of the house,"

"I bet I can mimic players better than you can play!" Bartz challenged Zidane.

"Okay, you're askin' for it!" Zidane retorted playfully. "After the game, I'm gonna own you in blitzball!"

"Have you guys even played before?" Tidus asked. He was ignored as the two were already going on about how awesome they were. Kain scoffed and left the room to find Cecil or someone that wasn't going to annoy him. Good luck, Kain.

* * *

It didn't take the group of Chaos warriors very long to arrive at the Rift's Blitzball Stadium. Mateus, Kefka, a still huffing Kuja, Jecht, Exdeath, Golbez, an ironically present Garland, and, for some odd reason, CoD, looked up at the massive stadium as people streamed into it, totally oblivious to the group of eight villains that had popped up out front.

"All right! The Aurochs vs. the Fangs today!" Jecht jumped up in the air in excitement in a very Tidus-like way for someone who didn't like watching others play. "I hope Wakka gets maimed again!" That explained it.

"Let's hit the concession stands, turtles!" Exdeath declared, flying off in the general direction of it and scattering many pedestrians. Many were angry but decided to let it go when they saw that the perpetrator was a massive suit of excited and muscular armor. Mateus put a hand to his forehead and pretended he didn't know the tree as he and the others made their way to the stand in a more leisurely fashion.

"Good turnout today," Jecht commented.

"Ooh! It's Jecht!" a random fan girl screamed. In a couple of milliseconds (these fans were slower than most), the Blitz King was surrounded by screaming fan girls (and boys) and was having to sign autographs and flirt and flex his muscles at top speed. Extraditing themselves from the chaos, after about five minutes, the hassled and irritable group finally made their way over to the concession stand, where Exdeath was, currently, buying out all of the candy bars.

"Save some for the rest of us!" Mateus objected. Exdeath replied by cramming a bunch of them into his…helmet? Anyway, he ate them.

"Fool! You have committed a terrible crime!" CoD said dangerously.

"How insensitive of you," Golbez added with a nod.

"I say!" Kuja interjected.

"Turtle!" Exdeath replied through a mouthful of chocolate.

"Run Amok!" Mateus shouted, firing a Flare at the tree.

After almost being thrown out by security, they made their way to their seats with armfuls of popcorn, candy, sodas, and other sport game fare. Exdeath had nothing but chocolate and caramel bars in his arms.

"You're going to get diabetes at…whatever age it is that you are, with all of that candy," Kuja noted haughtily. Exdeath blew a raspberry, somehow, and crammed several bars in his mouth with many sloppy eating noises that made the monkey mage wrinkle his nose and avert his eyes.

* * *

"Good turnout today!" Tidus commented as he, Bartz, Zidane, Kain, a still-reading Squall, and Vaan, who had invited himself, approached the stadium. "Oh, yeah! The Aurochs vs. the Fangs! I hope Wakka doesn't get maimed this time,"

"How'd that happen? Is Blitzball violent or something?" Vaan asked with a slight frown.

"Not usually," Tidus laughed. "But anything's dangerous with a Ronso involved," The others, except Squall, gave him a look of non-comprehension. "Never mind," he waved his hand. They stopped when they saw the screaming crowd of fans and a partially destroyed concession stand that looked like it had been in an explosion.

"What the hell is going on here?" Kain asked bluntly, crossing his arms. Tidus was looking torn between anger, fear, and several other feelings in that department.

"Isn't that Jecht?" Bartz pointed out loudly.

"Shush!" Tidus whispered. "Don't get their attention or I'll be-"

"It's Tidus!" a fan girl screamed.

"Too late!" the Blitz ace took off at the speed of sound, but a fan girl managed to tackle him pretty quickly, anyway. Bartz, Zidane, Kain, and Vaan jumped out of the way of the raging stampede, but Squall simply let himself get carried away with a bored look on his face, calmly turning a page in his book.

"Uh…let's go get snacks," Zidane suggested with a nervous smile. The others acquiesced in their eagerness to get away from the scary fan hordes and the repeated screams for help from Tidus.

"Just go with it, son!" Jecht shouted delightedly over all the din.

* * *

"A large popcorn, large cola, and large Choco-Caramel Materia pack," Kain ordered.

"Give me one of all the candy and a large popcorn," Bartz chimed in happily.

"Me too!" Zidane added.

"I'll have three Choco-Bars, two Choco-Caramel Materia packs, a large popcorn, and a large soda," Vaan interjected.

"Right, kupo," the disheveled-looking moogle responded, starting to put together the items they had ordered. "Sorry if we look a little less than picturesque right now, but a guy in gold armor tried to blow up one of his friends earlier, kupo,"

"Where've I heard of that guy before?" Bartz put his thumb and forefinger around his chin.

"Sounds like the Emperor," Squall muttered from behind them, nose still in his book and his apparel and person miraculously unharmed.

"That means that the Chaos crew might be here," Kain sighed, picking up his purchases and dropping a few gil coins on the counter.

"Yep! I got 'em free tickets!" Jecht said proudly, coming up to them and dragging a rather beaten up and shirtless Tidus with him. "Here's my wussy son," He dropped Tidus at Zidane's feet, where he groaned about being violated by a hundred hands. The others decided to, wisely, not inquire into that statement. Jecht, ignoring these amateur's jitters (after all, no one was as good at being awesome for his fans like he was), stepped forward to the concession moogle.

"Gimme a large popcorn, six things of those Choco-Caramel things, six of those Choco-Bars, three corndogs, and a large whiskey," he said in his rough voice.

"We don't have whiskey, kupo," the moogle replied tiredly.

"Okay, whatever," Jecht pulled out a bottle and downed a third of it. "Just get my food," The moogle looked like he dearly wanted to slap his forehead, but he just gave a murmured 'kupo' and got to work on the large order.

* * *

"How long until this farce begins?" Kuja asked impatiently, as if the loss of time was really that much of a problem for him.

"Ten more minutes," Jecht declared, arriving with his food and taking a swig of whiskey between handfuls of popcorn. Kuja looked appalled at the man's way of eating and looked the other way, only to see Kefka next to him.

"Ahh!" he jumped up from his seat as the crooked clown gave him a big smile…or did he? It was hard to tell with the make-up.

"Hello to you too, monkey boy!" Kefka said in his crazy way. Mateus sighed and looked around for Garland.

"Where is the fool in the full plate?" he asked CoD out of the side of his mouth, in case the aforementioned fool was listening. She shrugged.

"He disappeared after we entered the stadium," she replied.

"I thought that you were gone!" Kuja demanded of the clown.

"Nope," he shrieked unnecessarily. "Just had to give the toilet a _special delivery_!" The monkey mage quickly lost his lunch. Soon after, an explosion occurred in the men's lavatory. Mateus and CoD both wrinkled their nose.

"I don't even want to know," the ruler of all things muttered with disdain.

"We concur," CoD nodded.

"Turtle!" Exdeath shouted from next to them, causing them to jump and fire a Flare and O-Beam, respectively, at him.

After moving to a new row and being forced to pay for the damages, the group resumed waiting for the game to start.

"Isn't that Zidane?" Kuja pointed out. Sure enough, the thief was sitting a few rows ahead of them, his tail wagging behind him.

"Yep, he and my lame-o son are here, too," Jecht said, beating on his Adonis chest.

* * *

"Does he _ever_ shut up?" Kain posed to Squall. The SeeD merely grunted and flipped a page. Tidus continued to go on, full force, about Blitzball and Kain, being a simple, cranky, Dragoon from a low-tech world, found it less interesting than the two light-hearted dummies next to him. Suddenly, Otherworld started blaring from speakers around the stadium, causing several people to spill their drinks and/or food.

* * *

"You oaf!" a dripping-with-soda Kuja screamed at Kefka over the loud rock music. Granted, Kefka hadn't spilled his drink, but had dumped it on the monkey mage's head on purpose to rile him. "I'm going to-" Exdeath grabbed him and Kefka by the throat.

"Shut up, turtles! The game's about to start!" the tree bellowed. They quickly agreed out of extreme fear. The Aurochs and their cow-licked captain came out into the Sphere-pool and nervously formed up across from the team of giant, blue tigers that were the Ronsos.

* * *

"I can see how those guys can maim someone," Vaan commented as the teams jumped for the ball after blitz off.

"Yep, I used to travel with a Ronso, and I have the scars to prove it," Tidus pointed at numerous scars on his still-exposed torso.

* * *

"Boo!" Kefka yelled after a few minutes of the game. "I wanna see some destruction! Tear 'em up, Ronsos!"

"Hey! I know you're not dissing the Aurochs!" a Knight, Thief, and Gunner turned around.

"Boo!" the clown repeated. Mateus simply sipped calmly at his soda as Kefka and the row in front of them got into a big fight. There was much pain and blood but, since the music was so loud, no one noticed and kept watching the game.

* * *

Kain sniffed the air.

"I smell charred flesh," he glanced back at Kefka as he laughed evilly atop a pile of burnt corpses. Turning back around, he ate some popcorn and suppressed a chuckle as Wakka was bodily picked up by one of the Ronsos and chucked painfully into the wall outside the Sphere-pool.

"Remind me to never go anywhere with any of you, ever again," Mateus grumbled as they re-entered the Chaos Shrine, a while later.

"But I had fun!" Kefka whined.

"Well, I didn't!" Kuja snapped. "Now, if you don't mind, I must go and wash this unholy gunk from my lovely locks and the scent of death from my person!" With that, he flew off.

"See ya, turtles!" Exdeath teleported to some undisclosed location. "Ow!" his voice came from a nearby closet. Problem solved.

"I'll go get started on dinner," Golbez stated, hovering off towards the kitchen. "All this junk food is going straight to my thighs…" Before they could even begin to question this…

"I have returned!" Garland announced, bursting through the front door.

"Where in the bloody hell-" Mateus began.

"I found a Dissidia 012 fan that thinks Assists are very important!" the full-plated ex-knight bellowed excitedly.

"You had to ask," CoD commented.

"By the way, not that I care, but what is Dissidia 012?" Mateus asked with a raised eyebrow.

* * *

**If only you knew, Mateus, if only you knew...Anyway, remember to review and all that stuff.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Now for an action-packed and randomly funny chapter! I own nothing!**

* * *

**Chapter 13: Dancing Mad Monkey Mage**

"Only one of the best fighting games ever made!" Garland roared.

"Is that all?" the Emperor replied superbly.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DISRESPECT!" the full-plate shouted so loudly that several windows broke.

* * *

"That's coming out of someone's paycheck," Golbez noted calmly as he stirred a large pot of soup.

* * *

"We are getting annoyed," CoD sighed, readying to neutralize the armored loudmouth. they were interrupted by a loud, piercing, girly scream from the area of the living quarters. Several more windows shattered.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kain, Zidane, Bartz, Tidus, Squall, and Vaan walked into the kitchen of Cosmos Castle, where Prishe, currently, had the fridge open and was eating everything inside with many loud and gross eating noises. It was a mystery how she stayed thin, but no one seemed to question that.

"What are you doing, you gluttonous elvaan?" Kain asked with his normal rudeness.

"Leave me out of this!" Vaan objected.

"I'm having a light snack," Prishe replied through several mouthfuls of turkey that she, somehow, continued to eat while talking. Kain would've had some sort of stroke or something right about now, from this piece of info, but he'd hung out with Edge and Cecil too much, so he contented himself with dying a little inside.

"You're eating an entire month's worth of food for the whole group! It's not healthy!" Tidus objected. The Elvaan said something unintelligible through the entire roast that she was cramming rapidly into her mouth in a very gross display of chewing and swallowing. Squall looked up from his book, felt the urge to puke, despite all the time he'd spent with Zell and his hotdog crazes, and decided to leave.

"Cool!" Bartz exclaimed at the display. "I bet I can eat more than you, Zidane!"

"You're on!" the monkey thief immediately picked up the challenge. "To McChocobo's!" The two ran out, leaving Kain and Tidus. WoL walked in not long after Zidane and Bartz left.

"What are you doing!" he demanded. "That food is supposed to last the team a month!" Prishe gave a garbled apology to her old buddy, but he, obviously, wasn't much appeased by it. "Get out of that fridge and run 40 laps around the castle while I go to the Rift Supermarket and get more food!"

"Whatever, horn head," she said flippantly, running out. Tidus broke out laughing at the nickname that Prishe had given him on the day that Cosmos had bought him his helmet. Kain suppressed a chuckle, as well as WoL glared at them.

"You two go run 40 laps, too!" he barked, chasing them out with his sword. Suddenly, a loud, piercing, girly scream made them stop in their tracks.

"What the hell is that?" Kain asked no one in particular as some windows shattered.

"Who the hell did that!" Cosmos's voice snarled from nowhere.

"There goes our paychecks, again," Tidus sighed, drooping.

* * *

"What the heck is goin' on?" Jecht came walking back up to the group as they headed into the hall that contained the living quarters.

"That is what we are investigating," CoD answered. The scream repeated from Kuja's room and the sounds of explosions could be heard.

"It's just Kuja," Mateus put a hand to his perfect forehead. "And, by the sounds of it, he's gotten into quite the romp with Kefka, again,"

"Regardless of who it is, I won't stand for my check being docked because of his girly screams!" Garland roared, walking over to break Kuja's door down, which, in turn, would make his check get docked more, but he wasn't thinking at the moment.

"We wouldn't do that…" CoD tried to warn, but the door had already exploded in Garland's face and sent him flying into Exdeath's room, where he was, promptly, crushed by a pile of turtle dolls. The tree wasn't there. Where was he, you ask? Well…

* * *

"I am not amused, turtles!" Exdeath shouted from the middle of a big, scorching desert that made his armor sweat, somehow.

"How do ya think I feel?" Gilgamesh grumbled from nearby, where he had come out of a portal. "I was wandering the Rift and, somehow, I end up here!"

"You're going back if you don't shut up, turtle," the tree warned darkly.

* * *

Kefka came bouncing out of the room as Kuja, wearing a towel and sporting green hair, flew out after him, firing balls and Flares at him.

"I'll kill you, you malodorous jester!" the monkey mage screeched, promptly blowing up the hall with an Ultima. CoD and Mateus returned from their hiding spot in the floor as the dust settled, but the fight had already moved to another part of the castle.

"I'm gonna go lie down…" Jecht grumbled on the floor. Being unable to move, he finally decided to pass out as CoD and Mateus raced by, finding the battle being joined by Golbez in the recreation room.

* * *

"Dinner's ready!" Golbez announced before being hit in the face by Kefka's flying body. "Ow! Hey!" He shot several bolts of lightning at Kuja, only to be pelted in the face by a Flare.

"Ooh, this is fun!" Kefka shouted, entering Ex Mode. "Let's destroy more!" Mateus summoned CoD as an Assist and she decked the crooked clown, causing an Ex Break. "That's no fun!" he fired his weird version of Ultima at them, blowing up a plasma TV. Chaos would be ticked about that.

"Run Amok!" Mateus fired a blue Flare at the clown while Golbez teleported to avoid one of Kuja's Ultimas.

"Allow me to give you something," the neutral moon guy said as he appeared next to the monkey mage. "A gift!" He blasted him with some sort of moon magic and sent him crashing through a wall.

"What in blazes is going on?" Gabranth asked, coming to a stop in the corridor. Kuja replied by going into Trance and roundhouse kicking him through a wall.

* * *

"This is more amusing than I thought," Sephiroth commented as he and Ultimecia watched the fight on some enchanted ball that she had in her room of random witch stuff, taking some popcorn from the large bowl between them.

"Yes, petty battles are fun when you aren't in them, despite being a waste of time," the witch smirked.

* * *

"Too late!" Mateus shouted as Kefka triggered his Dreary Cell trap and was surrounded by energy balls, which promptly exploded. The clown went flying, only to have CoD appear and blast him with an O-Beam.

"Poor, poor me…" Kefka moaned from the ground, before being promptly crushed by Golbez when the moon man was blasted bodily into him. "I'll remember this…" he added darkly, despite his windpipe being compromised.

"All of you simpletons are going down!" Kuja shouted, spinning around in the air and sporting his new accessory.

"A Puppeteer's Wheel!" CoD exclaimed as it pulsed and glowed, giving Kuja unlimited Ex energy.

"There's only one thing to do, then," Mateus smirked, going into Ex Mode. "I've been wanting to do this for a while," He jumped out of the way as Kuja launched a salvo of Flares, retaliating with a barrage of bombs. The monkey mage dodged around most of them, finally getting caught in the side by one and spinning out, only to recover in time to make Ultima rain down on Mateus. He dodged and began charging Starfall.

"I'll bring this to an end!" Kuja shouted, firing a stream of blue light. Mateus tried to break off the attack, but couldn't in time and the stream exploded in his face, knocking him through the roof of the shrine before he could recover in midair. Kuja was right on his tail, firing Flares at him. CoD appeared, suddenly, and kicked the monkey mage upside the head, sending him reeling, as Mateus recovered and fired an exploding ball that drew the enemy in. Stunned, Kuja was drawn in by the ball and blown back by the explosion.

"Heavens!" Mateus began to trace the glyph for Starfall again, but Kuja was already flying at him.

"We must join forces!" Garland suddenly burst out of the roof underfoot and smacked Kuja with the force of a freight train, sending him wall rushing into a battlement and demolishing it. "I _told_ you that Assists were important!" Mateus gave one last cry of effort and a flaming meteor appeared in a flash of light, hurtling towards Kuja. The monkey mage burst out of the rubble of the battlement and fired a stream of magic at the falling rock, trying to hold it back.

"You called?" CoD appeared next to Kuja and hit him several times with her snakes. Buckling, the monkey mage couldn't continue to block the meteor and it smashed into him with a bright flash of light and a deafening explosion.

"An insect defeat an emperor?" Mateus smirked to himself.

"What is going on here!" Chaos stormed onto the scene. "I go out for an hour and you guys destroy half the shrine!"

"Well, it went like this…" CoD began.

* * *

"This Puppeteer's Wheel doesn't sound good…" Chaos muttered, face propped on his hand, as he sat in his chair and they stood in front of him. "I wonder if Cosmos is experiencing this as well…"

"I wouldn't doubt it," Mateus replied. "This seems to happen, regardless of Harmony and Discord,"

"The Puppeteer's Wheel, as I said, is triggered by powerful negative emotions," CoD interjected. "You, Mateus, were humiliated at your defeat at the hands of Gum-E. Kuja was angry because everyone, especially Kefka, is unkind to him,"

"Then we should watch what we feel, until we figure this out," Garland noted.

"A difficult task, and possibly moot…" Chaos mused aloud. "But how will we figure this out, if the phenomenon does not repeat?" They had no answers. "On a related note," the God of Discord said, at length. "I have tallied up the damages that were caused today. Get used to eating Grade D food," No one was happy about that.

* * *

"Why are we walkin', anyway? Can't you teleport?" Gilgamesh asked Exdeath as the two sweaty forms trudged through one of the many deserts from the FF games. They weren't quite sure which one it was, but I digress…

"That's how I got here in the first place, turtle!" the tree snapped. "I'm not going to try again. What if I end up in some weird town?"

"Like Zozo?" Gilgamesh suggested. They both visibly shuddered.

* * *

"What a pain," Cloud grumbled, trying to fix his Fenrir in the recently-added garage of Cosmos castle.

"How's Tifa?" Terra asked timidly, coming into the room.

"She's fine," the swordsman replied, grunting as he tried to loosen a bolt. "Yuna healed her and she's resting,"

"Oh, good," the Esperkin said, relieved. "I was busy delivering a message, so I couldn't go check,"

"Message?" Cloud repeated.

"Yes, I'm to report to everyone that the scream earlier came from Chaos Shrine," Terra responded. "Zidane said that it sounded like Kuja, but no one knows why he screamed like that,"

"I wonder…" Cloud put down his wrench with a pensive look. "Do you think another Puppeteer's Wheel surfaced?"

"I hope not, those scare me," the Esperkin wrapped her arms around herself. "They remind me of Kefka…" Cloud stood and, after some hesitation, put a hand on her shoulder.

"We all have doubts and fears, but we still have to go forward," he muttered. Terra looked shocked for a second and then smiled slightly.

"Yes…of course. Thanks, Cloud," she started to leave.

"You're welcome…Terra," the spiky-haired swordsman replied quietly.

* * *

"I'm sick of this desert!" Exdeath roared, cutting a random cactus in half with is sword-staff thingy.

"I'm getting sick of _you_," Gilgamesh said darkly.

"Do you want to go back to the N-Zone, turtle?" Exdeath snapped, holding up his pointy fingers menacingly. Gilgamesh shuddered as he remembered being stuck in that cheesy cartoon world.

"What are you guys doing?" Chaos asked, walking up and increasing the temperature by about 20 degrees.

"Wandering around and dying," Gilgamesh said helpfully.

"There has been another incident at HQ. Come with me!" Chaos shouted dramatically, making them all vanish in a flash of fire and reappear in the dining room at Chaos Shrine.

"Oh, boy, food!" Exdeath quickly went over to the pot of soup and got himself some. Gilgamesh grabbed a roast turkey leg out of the fridge and started eating, as well.

"Finally! I haven't eaten in weeks!" the four-armed swordsman said, practically in tears with joy. Chaos looked like he was about to say something, but decided against it and just gave an annoyed sigh before leaving through the door, breaking two wing-shaped holes in the wall beside it.

"Chaos blast it!" the God of Discord shouted as he noticed the additional damage.

* * *

"I told you that you shouldn't have eaten all that," Lightning reprimanded bluntly as Bartz and Zidane lie on the ground outside of McChocobo's.

"I beat you, Zidane…" Bartz moaned, his belly literally swollen with food.

"Darn it…" Zidane groaned back, his stomach also unnaturally big. Lightning uttered an irritated sigh and switched to her Medic Paragon. Why couldn't she have gotten hired by Chaos, instead? Yes, that wouldn't have been annoying, right? Oh, naïve Lightning…

* * *

**In case someone didn't get the N-Zone joke, that's what the place you got X-Zoned to was called in FF5 and I made a Captain N reference. Cheesy old show, that is. Anyway, R&R and all that stuff.**


	14. Chapter 14

**This chapter wasn't even supposed to be action-packed, but that's the way it turned out. I own nothing!**

* * *

**Chapter 14: Much of Pain About Nothing**

"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called you here," Chaos stated slowly, his crooked teeth testifying to his non-existent dental records.

"Not really," Mateus, CoD, Ultimecia, and Sephiroth all said at the same time.

"Shut it!" the God of Discord snapped, quite offended at his minions' lack of interest. "Now, I hear that there is an important ball coming up tonight,"

"So what?" some big, muscular guy in black, gold, and white armor, horns on his head, and a blue cape, asked.

"Who in the bloody blazes of Hell are you?" Mateus asked the newcomer with disdain.

"One guess, turtles!" the guy shouted.

"What do you know, he had something under the armor," Sephiroth mentioned calmly as Mateus and Chaos tried to come to grips with this new development. Finally, Chaos shook his head.

"Look, I don't even care anymore, but this dance is important," he glared at them to deter another interruption. "Because there is a 10,000 gil prize for the best dancer! And, believe me, we need the money,"

"So, basically, you want us to humiliate ourselves for your financial gain?" CoD asked flatly.

"Yes!" Chaos confirmed. They all turned and started to leave. "But…" he trailed off dramatically. They continued for the exit, causing him to flare up. "Fine! I won't give you a cut for the candy budget!" That put halt to them.

"That's a turtle of a different color!" Exdeath bellowed unnecessarily in Ultimecia's ear. She quickly froze time and batted him off into the distance with one of the giant swords that were stuck in the ground around the area. Deciding not to ask where he went, the others continued their conversation.

"Well, if it gets me more candy, then I'm in," the Emperor said with an evil smile.

"Hold on, I forgot to tell you," Chaos warned gradually. "You must bring a dance partner of the opposite gender or, at least, the appearance of opposite,"

"Hmph," Sephiroth crossed his arms and turned to leave.

"Come on, we would have it in the bag," Ultimecia said slyly to him.

"Yeah, what're ya, chicken?" Jecht asked, coming in with a bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand. He quickly got a boot to the face and flew back into the shrine. "I'm gonna go lie back down," he grunted, staggering away.

"Fine…I'll go to this dullard's dance," the ex-General grumbled, leaving with a swish of his cape/coat/thing.

"All right, now all we have to do is find some lavish clothing for the occasion," Mateus noted.

* * *

"And all we have to do is dance better than anyone else?" Zidane asked. "No problem!"

"We'll mop the floor with those other chumps!" Bartz added with much enthusiasm.

"I'll pass, I suck at dancing," Cloud mumbled, taking a bite of his taco. They were, currently, having lunch.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Prishe protested, shoving a turkey in her mouth.

"I know that you're just scared, Cloud," Tifa teased. "Don't you want to prove yourself to us?"

"And flooring hordes of manikins with my Buster Sword doesn't do that?" the spiky-haired swordsman grumbled.

"I'd rather not, either," Squall grunted from behind his new book (Emo Mercenaries 4: Origins). "Too many bad memories,"

"I think that I'll try to win," WoL interjected, turning from his conversation with Firion. "I wonder if I can persuade Cosmos to be my partner?"

"No way! She's a Goddess!" Tidus shouted from his end of the table.

"Not to mention that you're her whipping boy," Kain commented snidely.

"Do you want to step outside?" the blue-armored man snapped, standing up.

"Now, now," Cecil stood between them. "Let's not fight amongst ourselves,"

"Get out of the way, cocky b******, I've been wanting this for a while," the Dragoon barked, shoving the Paladin out of the way. "Come on, outside, now!" He and WoL stalked out of the kitchen.

"There goes the food budget," Vaan said while he reclined back in his chair.

"Maybe they'll just talk it out," Yuna suggested a bit doubtfully.

"Don't get your hopes up!" Laguna responded cheerfully. A couple of seconds later, they heard an explosion outside.

"So, anyway, who are your partners?" Tidus asked. "I'll take Yuna, but you guys left your girlfriends at home, right?"

"I'll go with Cloud!" Tifa volunteered, grabbing his arm.

"I thought that he was going out with Terra?" Bartz inquired with a puzzled look.

"Actually, I'm not going out with anyone," Cloud muttered, detaching himself and leaving the room.

"Don't worry! I know how you feel!" Zidane called after him. "I remember this one time," he added to the remaining warriors. "I asked a waitress on a date, but I forgot that and asked Dagger as though I had already asked her earlier. Boy, I got in the doghouse for that one,"

"Typical guy," Lightning grunted, leaving the room in her usual huffy, I'm-too-cool-to-be-around-you, fashion. There was a crash and a WoL-shaped imprint appeared in a nearby exterior wall.

"I think that we'd better continue this discussion elsewhere," Firion wisely suggested. The others agreed and started to leave. Unfortunately for OK, he got plowed into the floor as Kain was sent crashing through the wall and smashed into him.

"An impressive will that never wavers…" he grumbled, jumping up and blocking a thrown shield with the haft of his spear. "But I will shoulder the burden!" He threw WoL backwards with a mighty swing and bounded after him. WoL countered with a charging thrust, but he Jumped and crashed back down on him, flooring him in the shallow waters that ran through Order's Sanctuary.

* * *

"Hey," Jecht rumbled as he walked over to Lightning, who was sitting on the roof of the castle, watching Kain and WoL have it out.

"What do you want, Chaos pawn?" she casually pointed her gun blade at him.

"Heh," he sat down next to her, an inch from the business end of her weapon. "I was looking for a partner to that stupid ball, and none of the Chaos gals are good enough, not to mention that they're taken,"

"So what's your point?" the commando asked bluntly. "Are you trying to invite me? No thanks. I don't date drunkards that are full of themselves,"

"You sure know how to hit a guy where it hurts," he cracked his neck and downed another swig of whiskey. "But me and you…we're the same, you know? We're so awesome, we're in a league of our own, and no one will ever match us,"

"Hmph, like you can really compare me to you," she put away her weapon with a twirl. "You'd be crying for your momma in a minute if I decided to put the smack down on you,"

"Oh," Jecht's face registered a challenge, something he'd not had in a while. "Care to try it out, or are you scared that Cosmos'll mop the floor with you for wrecking her castle?" Lightning stood up, pulling out her gun and pointing it in the Blitz King's face as he jumped up, too.

"Screw Cosmos, this is personal, now," the commando declared grimly.

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Jecht flexed his shoulder and prepared to fight.

* * *

WoL dodged out of the way as Kain Jumped down again and threw his shield, nailing him in the face this time. Quickly following up, he slashed the Dragoon up into the air and fired a blade of light out of his sword, sending him hurtling away. The Paragon rushed after him, but was stopped when he heard a cry of,

"Cross the heavens!" Kain came shooting down before WoL could think to dodge and was pierced through before being carried down to the ground, the spear being twisted painfully in the wound, and slammed again. "Bow down!" The Dragoon added before springing back to avoid the counterattack as WoL flipped back onto his feet and fired a series of lighting bolts at him. He blocked them easily, but that left an opening to be impaled by a charging thrust and then roundhouse kicked away. Landing painfully, the Dragoon regained his feet in time to dodge another shield toss and performed a charging thrust of his own, impaling his opponent again and then knocking him away with a flipping kick before jumping after him. WoL quickly dodged the next swing, though, and spun, giving the Dragoon a slice across his chest plate before blasting him away with a fireball.

* * *

Jecht jumped over Lightning's opening spinning slash and prepared a Triumphant Grasp, but she saw it coming and bounded over it, delivering a drop kick to his back and sending him sliding, face-first across the roof. Quickly recovering, the Blitz King Jecht-Blocked a Waterga back at the commando and summoned a gigantic volcanic rock, chucking at her. Dodging both, Lightning propelled herself off of the Ultimate Jecht shot and cut into him twice before attaching her blades and gracefully slicing him with her Flourish of Steel. Reeling from the blow, the Blitz King grinned at the wonderful lack of ease this battle was affording him and dodged a wind spell that was sent at him. With a grunt, he was bathed in fire and moved forward so quickly it looked like he warped. He gave Lightning several kicks, spun around, cutting her with his massive blade, and sent her hurtling into a battlement with a final slash, causing it to collapse.

"Don't cry, now!" he taunted as the structure fell. There was a short pause, and then the rubble exploded away, revealing a commando that was in Ex Mode. "You sure got a hard head, little lady," He smirked and activated his Ex Mode as well.

* * *

"Dragon's Gift, to me!" Kain shouted, dodging away and entering Ex Mode as WoL tried to follow up. WoL quickly blocked as the Dragoon attempted a series of stabs, making Kain stagger long enough for the Paragon to back off and activate his own Ex Mode.

"To shine brighter!" WoL shouted as he changed classes. "Bathe in the light!" He cut the ground with a spinning slice, causing many pillars of light to appear and start cutting towards Kain. The Dragoon Air Dashed away and gave a cry of,

"Crumble!" swinging his lance downward. A smaller lance appeared from thin air and pierced WoL's chest plate, draining some of his vigor. Kain glowed green briefly as he received the energy and then he executed his Ex Burst. Soaring high into the heavens with an aura growing larger around him, he gathered a mighty amount of energy and inertia. WoL tried to get ready for when he came down, but knew that he was about to get hurt badly. Finally, a streak of teal came rocketing from the heavens, headed straight for the Paragon. Standing strong, he dived to the side, but the attack still, mostly, hit him and sent him sprawling, his Ex Mode vanishing in a flash. "You're no match for me…" Kain muttered, jamming his spear into the ground.

* * *

"Voltagon!" Lightning shouted as she waved her hands and a dozen Thunder spells struck at Jecht. He dodged around them and hurled another Ultimate Jecht Shot at her. She cut it in half with her Omega Weapon and opened fire on him as she Air Dashed forward. He blocked the glowing, blue bullets and slammed into her with another Jecht Rush, dazing her with multiple spinning slashes before adding in a Jecht Blade in the middle of the combo.

"Come on, come on, come on, come on!" he shouted while chopping her with a flaming blade repeatedly. "One more!" he slammed her at another battlement. Fortunately, she was saved from impact by her Grav-con Unit. "You're just outta luck!" He initiated his Ex Burst, summoning an even more massive volcanic rock and splitting it with powerful punches and kicks. "This is my show!" With an impressive display of force, he smacked all the rocks with a spinning slash and cast them at the commando. She took a defensive stance as the rocks collided with her in a massive explosion, leveling the guest wing of the castle.

"Heh," Jecht cracked his neck as he peered at the cloud of dust and smoke. "Guess I shoulda gone easier on her,"

"Enjoy the view!" Lightning's voice suddenly sounded from the cloud. Jecht was suddenly aware of lightning bolts raining down on him and it was too late to even Jecht Block. He was struck multiple times before being hurtled at the roof with an explosion. Lightning suddenly appeared next to him and kicked him in the face, vaulting off, before shooting him in the face. "I control my fate!" She then proceeded to use every attack in her arsenal on the Blitz King. He tried to ward off the agonizing blows, but to little success. "Let's finish this!" the commando cried, spinning around with her two curved blades as she passed through him. "Bull's-eye," she added in a mutter as she landed behind him. Jecht fell down, bleeding from the torso quite badly, and took a knee.

"You're good," he grunted. "I haven't hurt like this in years,"

"Humph," Lightning stood and crossed her arms, still facing away from him. "I suppose you aren't bad, either,"

"So, are we on for the dance?" he looked back with a smirk. The commando rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Sure, why not?" she shrugged before walking off in her oh-so-cool fashion.

"Quite a woman…" Jecht muttered, watching her go. "Reminds me of my old lady. Heh…" he struggled to his feet and began the long trek back to Chaos Shrine.

* * *

Mateus finished putting the finishing touches on his Silver Despot outfit. Looking over himself in the mirror, he decided that it was satisfactory.

_I wonder what the pawns of Cosmos are up to, today? _he mused to himself. He shook his head and decided that it wasn't important and then left his room. That candy money wouldn't win itself, after all.

* * *

**Not quite sure how the expression should be used, but by 'old lady' I meant his wife, not his mom. I think that old lady can mean either, but just thought that I'd clarify that. Quite a few lame references to the original games in this chapter. Palamecian Berry ice cream to those that can point them out. Anyway, the usual R&R message and whatnot. Bye, for now.**


End file.
